I have a confession. I write a lot of blogs that I never publish. This was originally one of those blogs.
I have always found writing to be highly cathartic. Even as a kid, my mom made me mad, I was writing about it! A boy I had a crush on didn't even know I existed and there would be a letter, a journal entry or a short story about it. I have always loved to write.
The past couple of weeks, I have found amazing comfort and camaraderie in blogs that have shared life's painful and messy moments. I have spent a lot of time reading them and thanking the writers for them. They have been healing, full of very good ideas on navigating life and a sweet realization that I am not alone.
So be aware. This blog is messy, it is raw, it is me where I am at right now and that spot is broken and bleeding and full of emotion, but I am sharing in hopes that it might offer another broken heart the comforting knowledge of knowing you are not alone!
A little less than two years ago I was tried, convicted and condemned by some self appointed judges. I was deemed unworthy and sentenced to punishment until I got my act together and followed the guidelines that these self appointed judges had set for me. I spent 6 months incredible angry and bitter. I was angry because I knew that these judges were just as guilty as I was and just as deserving of condemnation and sentencing. I was angry because it confirmed the belief of God that I had held all my life that I wasn't good enough, and no matter how hard I tried I would never be good enough. I was hurting and facing rejection like I had my whole life, and I was done.
I spent months thinking that if I could just convince people that these judges were not the perfect example of goodness and righteousness that they tried to project, that I would feel better. Amazingly it was not hard at all to uncover their facade. The more people I shared their rap sheet with, the more agreed that they were indeed grimy and mean. Startlingly enough this didn't make the hurt and anger go away; didn't even lessen it. One day a very wise woman looked at me and said, "Shelly, why are you wearing yourself out working so hard to accomplish a job that they have already accomplished?" In appointing themselves my judge and carrying out sentencing, they were allowing their true controlling nature to shine through all on their own!
This bugged me, because that meant that my efforts to share their shortcomings with the world was doing the same for me. I was effectively letting my true colors out to play as well.
Around this time I experienced a life altering trip to the Dominican Republic in which I experienced God's whole, pure, and unconditional love in a way that I never had. I began to entertain the belief that I was perhaps loved and accepted just the way I was. In that realization, tiny little pieces of my heart began to experience sweet sweet healing.
Then we moved to Florida. This was yet another huge adjustment and I struggled with other insecurities and beliefs that I had drug around with me my whole life. But I came across a verse last summer that messed me up. I John 4:16. "God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them."
So I started reading the love chapter over and over. What was love?? Love is patient, kind, it does not dishonor others, It keeps no record of wrong, it always protects and hopes and never gives up!
Romans 8:1 completed the verses that totally shook up my view of God. "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."
So love and condemnation couldn't co-exist. And without love, I was without God.
Suddenly everything I had believed about who God was, cracked. I either had to believe my Bible or myself. God couldn't be a judging, condemning God waiting to dole out punishment at the slightest wrong doing, and be good, kind and accepting of me right now. Without any requirements of change or certain behavior.
God showed me this summer that I had two options. I could let people be my god. People would be condemning. They would be quick to point out wrongdoings and they would execute strict and swift punishment for failure to follow their rules. They would be imperfect.They would have a plan for my life, but that plan would be influenced by hurt, failures, and past experiences. If I chose to make God my god then I would get to experience true and complete acceptance. Right now, not down the road when I got my act together. His plan was huge and pure and full of only the best; unhindered by fear or pain. He was perfect!
Slowly I let go of the rap sheets I had been clinging to so ardently. Theirs and mine. I accepted myself and them as broken, hurting, yet incredibly loved and accepted beings created by an amazingly perfect and wonderful creator.
I wish I could say that this is now how I live, but sometimes I find myself going back to that "courtroom" full of accusations and sentences directed at myself and my accusers. But God just smiles at me and reminds me when I feel frustrated at finding myself there yet again, that if I was able to live completely free of failures, I would have no need for him anymore.
And today I can wholeheartedly say I am so so incredibly thankful for the pain I experienced almost two years ago. Without it, my belief in God wouldn't have been shaken up and I wouldn't have had to choose between the truth and lies that I believed. I wouldn't have discovered the awesome love of my creator. I wouldn't have the strength that these last two months have required from me in a way that has never been required before.
In escaping the prison of self doubt and the shackles of failure, I was able to revisit the dreams that God had placed in my heart from the time he made me. I had lived with the belief that I wasn't worthy of these dreams; didn't deserve them, but shaking up my beliefs in who I was in Christ brought me back to those deep desires.
As a kid, I dreamed of a huge family. I wanted tons of kids! At one point I even wanted to run an orphanage. Then I was told I wouldn't have children.
Amazingly I overcame infertility and conceived and delivered 4 healthy and huge baby boys. But I delivered them by C-section, once again putting limitations on the number of children I could have.
My grandpa is a father to 8 and he often jokes with me that maybe I'll be the next one in the family to have 8. My husband gets itchy and starts choking when he hears that, and that's probably why grandpa likes to say that more than anything.
After I announced a 4th pregnancy I experienced the incredulity of others and the notion of 4 or more kids being grounds for ridicule and harsh opinions from others. It was yet another obstacle in achieving my dream of a large family.
This summer, however, I was able to talk my husband into the possibility of having another one. It was not without its struggles. We tried for a while and had to take medications and it was a discouraging walk at times. I wrestled really hard with the belief that I wasn't worthy or deserving of my dreams.
January 14th we finally got that positive that we had been praying so hard for, and looked forward to a September baby. We were so excited! That excitement was short lived as we walked through a week of bleeding and tests. We were told at the end of that week that the baby was fine. Levels were increasing and we would schedule an ultrasound to find where the bleeding was coming from. That weekend the bleeding increased and we were sent to the Emergency room. We were told that levels were no longer increasing like they should and that we had lost the baby. Two days later we got an urgent call from our doctor saying that the levels were again increasing and we needed to come in immediately. An ultrasound confirmed an ectopic pregnancy. We received a shot the next day to terminate the growing placenta, having been told that the baby's heart was no longer beating. The next weekend we were patients in the ER yet again, as the pain became excruciating. Levels at that point were slowly coming down and so we held off on surgery. Levels have continued to decrease and the doctor is very pleased that we avoided surgery.The fear and the pain dominated our lives, and we had no choice but to put all of our trust in a Father who has not promised to keep heartache from our lives, but has promised to never leave us. And as we cried and yelled and laid awake at night, the constant feeling of our hand cradled lovingly and firmly in that Fathers hand reminded us of that promise.
I write about my story, not to get your pity, but to share the valleys along with my mountaintops. I write my story not to dwell on the disappointment, but to share the hope that God has poured out on me these last several weeks. I write my story not to acquire accolades, but to reveal the glory of God even through pain.
I have been reminded so much over the last 18 months that what hate intended for evil, God has used for good, and I am so thankful. Knowing that God cared enough about me to use an incredibly painful time in my life to unveil the beauty and consistence of his love, for a time that I would need it most, brings tears to my eyes every time I think of it, and overwhelms me with gratitude!
I know my God could have prevented this. I know my God could have kept me from the pain I experienced 18 months ago, but I know that my God loved me enough and has such a perfectly good plan for my future, that EVERYTHING works for my good! He wasn't afraid to walk the valleys with me to get to the mountaintop!
I grieve for my sweet little one, but at the same time I look forward with anticipation to the day I will hold my baby and kiss my baby and say I love you to my baby. I have no doubt that a little Wilson is sitting patiently in heaven waiting to meet their loud crazy family!
And I know that there is no way I could have survived this time without the incredible strength and compassion of a daddy who loves me so completely and perfectly!
Life is precious, cherished, no matter how many failures it has under its belt; no matter how many weeks of life it has experienced. My life was created with a purpose and my baby's life was created with a purpose; YOUR life was created with a purpose, and that's AWESOME!
