Homework and other ungodly disasters

I've come to a couple conclusions over the last week or so. There is a chance that God took notice of all of the missing assignments in my grade school past and that is the sole reason he gave me 5 kids; so I can complete my fair share of homework papers. Also swear words and wine were discovered by moms up to their eyeballs in spelling words, geography research and solve for X.

Last night I found myself sitting on a couch with thoughts like, "If the mom police saw me now, they would know that I do NOT have a license for this life I live." "What the heck is that kid wailing? Is it even English?" "Did I feed the baby dinner?" "Where the heck is this kid's father??"

One kid was mad because I was quizzing him on his brothers spelling words, another kid was literally wailing because he circled the wrong teddy bears on his math paper, and one kid was winning awards with a crazy impressive speech about how he finished his homework in class. That kid will break any lie detector tests he ever takes!

Ok lets take this homework one grade at a time. Lets start with Kindergarten, because lets face it, THAT is more my speed. The instructions said to circle the one group of bears and underline the other group. There were 6 bears lounging on this piece of paper. 3 were circled. they were not similar. I asked this particular kid why he circled those three. "Because mommy, those three were my favorite!" I gave him a high five, told him he did

 a great job and sent him off to find some jammies.

Ok, 2nd grade homework. His assignment included timing him for a minute while he read a passage. He tells me, "I memorized the whole thing. Just write down the highest number." No kid, it doesn't work like that. So he starts reading. It doesn't sound right. I asked him what the heck he was reading.  His response: "If you leave out the "and's" and "the's" you can read more." I write down a number and send him off to find jammies before the timer even dings.

4th grade! I can do this! I'm rocking this homework, lets finish for the love of everything good and holy! This kid is staring at me with a blank expression. "Homework? Oops, I think I left it at school." Oh thank God! Third one is off to find jammies!

But then there is more wailing and the kid that I thought should be sleeping by now since we finished his homework first is standing in front of me. "THE BABY ATE MY HOMEWORK!" Crap, maybe I did forget to feed her dinner! Ok homework time is over, it is officially BEDTIME! 

45 minutes, 27 spankings, and 536 warnings later, all 5 kids are in their beds. I sat down with the worlds largest glass of wine and everyone's homework in front of me. the 6th grader with the impressive story telling skills asks to use his computer, which he has been grounded from already."Ummmm I thought you didn't have homework??" his response is so foreign to me. "I need to do research for my paper; its extra credit."

What the heck is "extra credit"? In my classes that was the point where I said, "Oh she wasn't talking to me, back to passing notes." But apparently there are actually kids who DO the extra credit! Kevin insists that extra credit isn't to bring up grades, its a savings account in case you get to close to a B, and need that little extra to save an A. What?? Ok....nerds! I still don't understand, but I type in "where the heck do Amish people hail from" on google, yell to my oldest, "You're from Switzerland! Research it tomorrow" and refill my wine. 

My husband looks over my shoulder and says, "Just because you try to use sloppy handwriting doesn't mean the teacher will think the kids did their own homework."

Well here is to another night where the kids are alive and homework is finished (and so is my bottle of wine) and my oldest sincerely thanked me for not killing him today! I call that a successful day! Now on to carpool where my goal is to only run into 5 cones instead of the 7 I hit yesterday! Mom life y'all, may the odds be ever in your favor!

That time I took all 5 kids school shopping

Last week, I had put it off long enough. This year I had ordered most of our school supplies on Amazon, because lets face it, taking 5 kids into a store to buy 1000 pencils and 2000 crayons, should seriously be the plot of a horror movie! But I needed shoes and I needed to try the shoes on the very picky feet of my children before buying or I would have been sending shoes back to the online retailer for the next 30 months!

We went into the store after sitting in the van for 20 minutes listening to lectures and threats and bribes that would have put a hostage negotiator to shame! I walked past 3 older woman who counted my children out loud as we walked past. We returned a shirt, went pee 6 times, changed a diaper, and then another one, and then we were finally ready for the shoes.

Liam's little brain is beginning to forget the impressive threats I made a few minutes earlier and keeps hiding in the clothes racks and jumping out at unsuspecting women. He unashamedly cackles loudly when a lady jumps back and yelps when he comes barreling from behind the shirt on clearance that she is contemplating. So I buckle the little squirt into the stroller. 

Caleb has been in time out 4 times, which basically means he has to hold onto the stroller and not let go, which he only does when he sees a spot that he knows we won't get through together, and then he stubbornly refuses to let go, because he's doing exactly what he was told....which he is normally allergic to. At the shoes there's a bench. Perfect time out spot! 

Micah starts trying on shoes. Every. Single. Shoe in the store. Liam is trying to get the buckle undone, but when his escape attempts fail, he grabs a shirt and starts snapping Caleb who is still in time out. Caleb howls at ear shattering decibels, insuring that every single person in the store turns to watch us. Liam is hanging out of the stroller, feet tangled in the buckle. he's scared. He knows you hit the older brother, and then you run as if your life depended on it, because seriously your life depends on it!

Caleb takes of his sandal, and seeing that his target is conveniently trapped, he starts beating the little turd over the head with his shoe. Liam bites Caleb's ankle, and Caleb climbs up on top of the stroller and straddles his brother still swinging the shoe. A sweet little Mexican lady crosses herself and starts speaking rapid Spanish to her friend. They both stare in horror at the cat fight going on in my stroller.

I stand there looking at my phone. Maybe if I pretend not to notice someone will call child services and they will confiscate my children while they determine if I am a fit mother. As appealing as a quiet evening is, I decide this probably isn't acceptable mother behavior and separate the screaming, biting, and scratching kids, as the lady starts hyperventilating.

We head to the register. Caleb meekly says, "Mommy I'm sorry." Two women start swooning over how sweet he is while I laugh a humorless laugh. No way kid! You are NOT forgiven yet! They glare at me, and I'm tempted to send them back to the Spanish speaking woman who is still having heart palpitations in  the shoe department! She'd probably be able to disqualify the sweet innocence of my grounded-for-the-next-17-years kid better than I ever could!

We get in line. The sales person counts my kids. Yes, yes I know I have 5! He stares in horror at Liam who is rolling on the floor and under the partition towards him. He looks at me and says, "You do know that floor is dirty, right?" Oops I thought he was still buckled in the stroller. I pay for the shoes, and gather my kids. Kyler turns to the couple behind us and tells them to have a nice evening....all in one impressively long burp.

And thankfully we have 12 months before I meet the school shopping mountain again.

The gym and other unholy places

So I must confess that I gained an impressive amount of weight while I was growing my last little human. But that's ok, right? You'll just nurse it all off right? No! Not me! I went into that hospital, birthed an 8lb 4oz kid; I came home, excited to hop on that scale to see how low my number had dropped. 5 pounds! What?? 

I finally looked at my husband a few weeks ago and declared that I was sick of how much I weighed and I wanted to be back to where I had been last summer. He eyed the brownies I was holding in each hand and wisely kept his mouth shut. But I knew! I knew exactly what was going through that bald little head of his. So I explained to him that I was currently eating for two, thank you very much. He muttered something about eating brownies for four, and I made sure the next poopy diaper happened when I was busy, to get back at him.

Today I ventured back to the gym. They were nice enough to keep their comments about not seeing me for over 6 months to a minimum. They smiled at my kids and said, "Do you remember which room you go to??"

After dropping kids off, I went back to the very very very back of the gym to the elliptical farthest from anyone's line of sight. They had totally done something to the elliptical machines while I was gone! Like they must have increased the time of the programs and tightened the gears because half way through I was wheezing and seeing spots and begging God not to let my last moments on earth happen without brownies! The little old man next to me, who clearly had an easier elliptical, kept checking to make sure I was still breathing. Had I allowed it, I think he would have started CPR. 

The skinny chicks all around me are hardly breaking a sweat, flipping long golden locks over their shoulders, while my stringy locks should have been wound up in a towel. I left puddles along the floor on my way to the water fountain! I could hear their  musings on just how many brownies this one chick had consumed by herself! Seriously do these girls just never eat?? Thighs like that only exist on photo shop for crying out loud! Maybe next time I'll bring them some brownies. Sheesh!

After my impossibly long stretch on the elliptical, I limped my way to the childcare room. The worker when he saw me asked, "oh, done already?" Dude, If I wasn't wheezing through my newly developed asthma with a face the color of a tomato, I'd kick your hiney!  

My 10 year old kept asking if I was still breathing all the way home. The 4 year old was mad because he was convinced that I was lying when I told him I had not gone swimming without him. He insisted that you can,t get your hair THAT wet just from sweating.

I'm gonna need the next 6 weeks to recover from that traumatic experience. If you need me I will be back on my couch with my non judgmental friends on Gilmore Girls, eating brownies!

Showers, the cable guy and 3am thoughts

Hello world! Its been over one year since my last confession. In that time I have grown another tiny human and have managed to keep her alive for 11 weeks! Much has changed! The regularity of showers for one and all the creative outfits that I can make with sweatpants!

Seriously though, how did I forget how rare and precious showering is when you have a newborn?? My 4 year old finally told me the other day, "Mommy you smell funky, go take a shower!" Of course I can always count on him to be honest! He told a stranger in the store the other day, "My mommy doesn't have a baby in her tummy anymore, now shes just fat." Dude! Thank you for keeping my ego in check!

Several weeks ago all the stars lined up just perfectly in a rare and priceless moment, and I was actually able to climb into the shower while the baby napped. I was thinking how amazing it felt to be clean again, and then that damned door bell rang. The dog barked, the baby started screaming and I knew only one leg was getting shaved today. 

The kids yelled at me that some guy was at the door so I yelled back, "tell him to go away!" I heard my 9 year old say, "My mom can't come to the door, she just got out of the shower and she's naked." People, at least if I am doing nothing else right, I am raising some incredibly honest humans!

My boys inform me that the guy at the door is waiting for me, and I need to hurry up. I wrap my hair in a towel, pick up the screaming baby who has pooped clear up into her hair, and answer the door with mascara still dripping from my eyes. I'm pretty sure my shirt was on backwards!

This poor little unsuspecting cable dude is standing on my doorstep. We stare at each other for a minute. The kid has fear in his eyes! The dog is still yapping and the baby is still screaming. I tell him to come back later. Amazingly enough he does. My dear husband, not knowing the spectacle his wife created of herself earlier in the day, invites the guy in to sit at our kitchen table for 45 minutes and switch our cable. I walked through the kitchen at one point. The cable kid and I were careful not to make eye contact.

I started shopping at 3am. I'm up, why not get something done! Plus  taking 5 kids into a store requires the National Guard! One sweet little old lady came up to me the other day when I was out with all of them. "Honey, are these all YOURS?" I stared at her a minute. I desperately wanted to respond with, "That one is, that one is, I stole that one, and I have no idea where that one came from." but I coughed and just nodded. 

Life is still crazy in the Wilson house. We are still creating memorable and shocking moments. And we are still incredible blessed! 

Some thoughts on my mid-sized family

It's been a while since I have been on here! One of my resolutions this year was to write again. So here I am. 

I have 4 kids. 4 boys with enough energy to power a small country...or even a  medium sized one. I'm told most people don't have 4 kids. And I want more!

I love my big family! I love people's reactions when they see my crew coming! One of our kids' favorites is getting Sonic. We pull up to the little microphone, and my husband leans out and starts ordering. Inevitably the response is always, without fail, "I'm sorry, did you say 15 corn dogs?!?" I am known at my local grocery store as "the lady who buys all the milk". I was asked early on if I froze it or ran a day care, or what exactly I did with 5 gallons of milk every week. 

We are currently building a house....because they don't really make many with a dozen bedrooms. I wanted a double oven...and a double dishwasher! Heck give me two of everything that comes in a kitchen! 

Today is laundry day. I was sorting laundry and thought, "I wonder how many pairs of socks this family owns?" That thought was quickly followed by reason, "Not enough! Because the youngest walked into preschool wearing only 1 this morning!"

My husband woke up this morning and almost fell out of bed. He was mumbling about how if someone would have asked him 10 years ago how many people could sleep in a queen sized bed, he never would have said you could get as many as were in his this morning!

I dress my boys alike as much as I can. People always say how cute it is, but here's my secret: it's really only a safety feature! Once when we were headed out of church and almost to the parking lot, someone stopped us and said there was a lost little boy crying in the foyer. He was wearing the same shirt as all of the kids standing around us, and were we maybe missing one? Sure enough we were! And none of my boys have complained since about wearing the same shirt as their brothers!

A couple of weeks ago, an older lady behind me in the check out line at the store commented about my little brood. She sniffed and said" Someone really needs to tell you how that keeps happening." I laughed, because by now I'm fairly used to it. I know most people don't understand why 4 kids isn't "enough" for me. I know that people think I'm a little crazy...ok, a lot crazy. But you see, they weren't there when I was a little girl and played house and dreamed of being a mommy. They weren't there as I sat in a doctor's office and was told that there was a good possibility I might never have any children. They didn't lay awake praying that a child would fill my womb and keep me up at night and puke all over my shirt. They didn't take medications and have weekly blood draws and chart every single little change in body temperature. They didn't know the heartbreaking loss of losing a baby and another one and another one and never knowing what color hair they would have had.

They weren't there to see all four of my boys piled up together last week, laughing so hard the youngest one wet his pants because someone told a joke about boogers. They didn't see my oldest come wrap his arms around me for no reason or my youngest insist I kiss him on his slobbery chocolaty lips and then loudly proclaim that I was his favorite mommy. They don't see 4 little heads nestled on pillows and sleepy little faces waking up in the morning. 

Yes, I go to bed exhausted most nights. The amount of laundry soap I go through is crazy and may mean that we have to only pick our smartest two to go to college. I haven't gone to the bathroom alone once in the last 9 years and I can forget about ever having a clean toilet!

But I love it! I was made for this! And I will take as many little people who call me mom as I can possibly get! And even more than that I feel immeasurably blessed to have gone through the "infertility" that I have because I was given an invaluable Little gem. A secret that most people don't fully grasp like I was blessed to. These little people are amazing miracles and I'm daily humbled that I get to be called "mom"! These little lives were formed and crafted and carried to delivery on a prayer! These little whirlwinds very easily could have been just a dream. And aren't we all miracles?? There is only one me on this earth! One me to ever have existed! One you that beat every odd and became a living walking real life miracle! And that my friends is awesome!

My Not So Perfect Morning

So did you happen to catch all my bragging little posts on Facebook yesterday?

I felt pretty good about our first day on Summer Vacation! We had spent last week on vacation in NC with my family so yesterday was our first day home. 

I love sleeping in and as soon as summer hits, I forbid my kids to make even the tiniest squeak until after 8! But I pay for it the first 4 months school's back in session. Its soo hard getting up at 6 after sleeping in for a few months! 

This year I have a Preschooler, which means I can't wear my jammie bottoms with a hole in the left butt cheek and the tank top with a stain from when Liam puked peaches all over me, to drop kids off at school. I actually have to get out of the van and walk the Preschool kid to his classroom door. Bra's and brushed teeth are highly encouraged when you are bumping into each other in the hallway while your kid wails not to leave him and your shaking him off of your leg. 

So I decided that I should just keep getting up. My husband is even less of a morning person than I am. He gets up generally 3 minutes after he should have left for work, usually trying to hide his expletives from little ears and asking if his shirt is still tucked into his underwear in the back. He decided that he would try to get up with me so that he only had to drive 10 over the speed limit instead of 15. 

Yesterday we did it! We got up, had a cup of coffee together and I even had  enough time for a quiet time before kids got up. I made breakfast and got groceries and did dishes all before noon! Liam did amazing his first day potty training and a new technique for managing screen time was going great with Micah. I even cleaned the scary mess of Caleb and Kyler's room! It was a great day!

I couldn't wait to repeat it today!

I had kids in and out of my room last night. I didn't sleep good. In fact I had so many interruptions that I woke up this  morning from a dream that even my mom had come and climbed in bed with me!The alarm went off and I seriously thought about dumping the glass of water on my night stand over the top of it to silence it. I kicked my husband. "Babe it's 6:30."

He snorted. "How do you know??" I kinda laughed but kicked him again, "Because the clock says so." 

"Well how do you know its right?"

We got up and had our coffee. He left and I tried to hold my eyes open to start my quiet time. Kids came out and asked what I was doing. They fought with each and whined about being hungry and woke up the other kid that was still sleeping. I kept praying. Although I was praying about that whole not tempting me beyond what I could withstand because I was pretty tempted to reduce the headcount in my home at that exact moment.

I made pancakes. The recipe said it made 10. Mine made 4. I had to make more which means I don't have enough eggs for my cookies I had planned to bake today. Caleb informed me he liked pancakes better when they weren't black. I told him to talk to his brother who had thrown a fit and had needed an "attitude adjustment" which had happened during pancake making time.

I sat down to read with Kyler. He did pretty good for the first 20 minutes. Then I started worrying that we would never get to the end where Curious George finds the puppy and we can all take a break! Pretty soon I realized that there were words I hadn't heard before in this particular story. There wasn't a dinosaur in there when we read it yesterday!

I almost lost it when he read, "George butchered the puppy." He looked up at me and asked if that was right. I did some quick calculations in my head. We had three pages left. Sounding out the correct words took us about 5 minutes a page. Reading these "new" words was getting us through a page at about 1.5 minutes. I smiled at him and said, "Your doing great honey, keep going."

I did Zumba this morning. One kid informed me my butt was bigger than the instructor's on my Wii game and another asked me why my score was so low. 

Finally I had everyone occupied enough so I could hop in the shower. A few minutes of me time. I hopped in and turned to let the hot water run over me. And there occupying my shower with me was a big red scorpion! You know what happens when a tired, slightly overweight, wet woman sees that?? World jumping records! Micah heard me scream. My shower has a head you can take down and spray around. I had my phone up to my ear calling Kevin, I was trying to hold the towel in a position that would cause the least amount of trauma to my eight year old and keeping the shower head spraying on the stupid bug so it couldn't crawl out of the shower onto the very large crowd now staring at it.

Kevin was on the phone wanting to know what in the world I wanted him to do about it 30 miles away. Micah finally got the fly swatter and hit the scorpion. He looked up at me and asked if I thought it was dead. I screamed, "No! Keep hitting it!" After one of its legs flew off and hit me on the face I was finally convinced it wouldn't come back to life. 

All before noon! See I told you yesterday that tomorrow my pride would go before a fall!

Wednesday February 26

I'm writing this blog with plenty of Percocet in my veins, so who knows what I'll say! I know I usually lack an adequate filter as it is, so this could be quite the blog post!

I can't remember who I have talked to in the last few days. I can't really remember what I have said if I have talked to you, and so since I keep repeating a story that I don't really remember much about anyways, I'm writing a short little blog about all that I don't remember. 

Welcome to my groggy drugged up brain. It's disturbing I know. :-)

As we have walked through this ectopic pregnancy journey, nothing really seems to go like we thought it would or planned. Of course I don't know why we expected it to, our life has never really gone as planned. I didn't plan on having 4 boys after I was told I would never have children; I didn't plan that the man of my dreams who I found so charming would ever get on my nerves; I didn't plan that I wouldn't have perfectly behaved children who would think it was hilarious to moon the neighbor lady.

My doctor was super excited about how fast my beta HCG levels were dropping after I received the shot. My levels were on the high side to begin with and I was warned that a second shot was a possibility. We were residents of the ER twice, but things still looked great and outcomes were looking even better than anyone hoped. 

Last Wednesday, I was exactly three weeks past getting the shot, my numbers were clear down to the 300's and I finally felt like I was getting back to my old self. Wednesday morning I got up to get my kids ready for school and I started feeling sick to my stomach. After going to the bathroom I passed out. Convinced I was just getting a nasty stomach bug since the shot I had had weakens the immune system, I convinced my husband to go to work. I called my doctor to make sure he agreed that this was just a stomach bug. Because the pain I had felt before was back, my doctor agreed that this was nothing serious; possibly the larger parts of the pregnancy passing. He instructed me to take 800mg of ibuprofen, and lay down until he called me back after he got out of surgery. 

I went to get the ibuprofen from the kitchen but realized that every time I tried to stand up I was fighting to stay conscious. My kids found the medicine and I knew that unless I was ok experimenting with my 8 year olds driving abilities, I needed to figure out another way to get my kids to school that didn't include unconscious or under aged drivers.

My amazing friend Amanda came and took my boys to school. Through these last few weeks she has helped me with my boys so much and I'm starting to worry that the front office will require me to have written permission from her to get my kids as there may be some confusion as to who their mom is! 

My doctor called me back and admitted that this didn't seem to be the normal course of events, but he still felt that the chances of something life threatening were very very slim considering how well things had been progressing. We have been wracking up some pretty impressive medical bills through this, and so we decided to try and get an appointment with one of the doctors at the practice I go to instead of heading into the ER yet again. As I was waiting for a return call to schedule an appointment, I felt like something was really really wrong. I couldn't think clearly at all, and yes I know most of you know me well enough to know that this in itself is not cause for immediate concern. Along with the cloudy mental state, I was finding it harder and harder to hang into consciousness. I was dry heaving and didn't have the strength to hold my head up. 

I was scared about the fact that my two and three year old were alone with me in the house, and that fear prompted me to call my husband telling him he needed to get home now! Knowing he had a 30 minute drive from work, I called 911 after talking to him.

Things get really hazy and I don't remember much after that. The paramedics arrived and started asking me questions. I had extreme pressure in my lungs and shoulders and it hurt to breathe and even more to talk. I knew I should be answering their questions, but I couldn't; I struggled to even understand exactly what they were asking me. 

I was put into the ambulance and at one point I wanted to point out that I was leaving my home without shoes, but didn't have the strength to do it. I don't really remember the ride to the hospital. I know one of the paramedics told me I needed to keep breathing or he was going to put a tube down my throat.

At the hospital there were a lot of people who were moving me and any movement caused excruciating pain. I started crying and thought it odd that the nurse was glad that I was crying; I think she was glad I was somewhat responsive.

I was left alone for I don't know how long, but it was a blessed relief to lay still and sleep. After several bags of fluids through my IV I was much more aware of what was going on around me. Kevin came, but had to go get the rest of the kids from school so my friend Amanda came to be with me. 

One time when I was alone in my room my nurse told me that on the way to the hospital my blood pressure was so low, they couldn't get the machine to even read it and that I was very very lucky.

I had an ultrasound where the technician told me that my tube had indeed ruptured and that there was to much blood in my abdomen to even measure it. 

People filled my room and I was poked a lot as I was readied for surgery. My doctor warned me that because of how messy the ultrasound looked, he would probably have to open me up instead if doing the procedure laparoscopically. I signed a consent for a blood transfusion. Just before they wheeled me out of the room to the OR, the most beautiful faces walked in the door. Four little boys and the man who had loved me enough to create them with me. They were drenched from the pouring rain outside. They were all scared. I got several kisses that had snot mixed in with them and my husband squeezed my neck and whispered he loved me. And I knew I would never ever give up fighting for just one more day with these amazing souls that were my life!
My kids went home with our babysitters family.This family has taken our boys every time we end up in the hospital. Whats so impressive about this is that they have 8 children of their own. They have kept my boys over night and taken them to church and taken them out to a restaurant. The father of this amazing family was asked when they were out with 12 kids if they were all theirs. He exclaimed "Oh no! we only have 8!" They are an incredible incredible family and we love them so much!

Surgery is so weird because one minute your chatting and talking and perfectly coherent and the next they are telling you to wake up. There's really no in between, no dreams or even time to freak out that you are going to be cut open!

My doctor told me that they hadn't had to open me up, that they had done it all laporoscopically, that my hematocrit and other levels were even better than his was and that amazingly he had even managed to save the tube! He has suctioned a liter of blood out of my abdomen, and I could go home that night.

The nurses were talking while I was waking up. They were talking about how crazy it was that I was doing so well after how bad I was in the beginning.

There are lots of times I wonder if a God who is the creator of the universe, who oversees wars and starving people and planets and oceans really does know or care about the details of my little insignificant life. I was blown away by the confirmation that indeed He does as I listened to those nurses go over numbers several times.

I'm home now. My husband is Mr. Mom yet again. He can't believe how much laundry this family creates in only three days, he's baffled by how much a 28 pound little kid can poop, and he sits in our boys' room at night talking to them about how it's ok to be scared sometimes, and that they can always talk to him when they are.

And I'm still caught up in the wonder of how incredible God's love is for little insignificant me!

Jesus Loves Me This I Know

I have a confession. I write a lot of blogs that I never publish. This was originally one of those blogs. 

I have always found writing to be highly cathartic. Even as a kid, my mom made me mad, I was writing about it! A boy I had a crush on didn't even know I existed and there would be a letter, a journal entry or a short story about it. I have always loved to write. 

The past couple of weeks, I have found amazing comfort and camaraderie in blogs that have shared life's painful and messy moments. I have spent a lot of time reading them and thanking the writers for them. They have been healing, full of very good ideas on navigating life and a sweet realization that I am not alone.

So be aware. This blog is messy, it is raw, it is me where I am at right now and that spot is broken and bleeding and full of emotion, but I am sharing in hopes that it might offer another broken heart the comforting knowledge of knowing you are not alone!

A little less than two years ago I was tried, convicted and condemned by some self appointed judges. I was deemed unworthy and sentenced to punishment until I got my act together and followed the guidelines that these self appointed judges had set for me. I spent 6 months incredible angry and bitter. I was angry because I knew that these judges were just as guilty as I was and just as deserving of condemnation and sentencing. I was angry because it confirmed the belief of God that I had held all my life that I wasn't good enough, and no matter how hard I tried I would never be good enough. I was hurting and facing rejection like I had my whole life, and I was done. 

I spent months thinking that if I could just convince people that these judges were not the perfect example of goodness and righteousness that they tried to project, that I would feel better. Amazingly it was not hard at all to uncover their facade. The more people I shared their rap sheet with, the more agreed that they were indeed grimy and mean. Startlingly enough this didn't make the hurt and anger go away; didn't even lessen it. One day a very wise woman looked at me and said, "Shelly, why are you wearing yourself out working so hard to accomplish a job that they have already accomplished?" In appointing themselves my judge and carrying out sentencing, they were allowing their true controlling nature to shine through all on their own! 

This bugged me, because that meant that my efforts to share their shortcomings with the world was doing the same for me. I was effectively letting my true colors out to play as well.       

Around this time I experienced a life altering trip to the Dominican Republic in which I experienced God's whole, pure, and unconditional love in a way that I never had. I began to entertain the belief that I was perhaps loved and accepted just the way I was. In that realization, tiny little pieces of my heart began to experience sweet sweet healing.  

Then we moved to Florida. This was yet another huge adjustment and I struggled with other insecurities and beliefs that I had drug around with me my whole life. But I came across a verse last summer that messed me up. I John 4:16. "God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them." 

So I started reading the love chapter over and over. What was love?? Love is patient, kind, it does not dishonor others, It keeps no record of wrong, it always protects and hopes and never gives up!

Romans 8:1 completed the verses that totally shook up my view of God. "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." 

So love and condemnation couldn't co-exist. And without love, I was without God.

Suddenly everything I had believed about who God was, cracked. I either had to believe my Bible or myself. God couldn't be a judging, condemning God waiting to dole out punishment at the slightest wrong doing, and be good, kind and accepting of  me right now. Without any requirements of change or certain behavior. 

God showed me this summer that I had two options. I could let people be my god. People would be condemning. They would be quick to point out wrongdoings and they would execute strict and swift punishment for failure to follow their rules. They would be imperfect.They would have a plan for my life, but that plan would be influenced by hurt, failures, and past experiences. If I chose to make God my god then I would get to experience true and complete acceptance. Right now, not down the road when I got my act together. His plan was huge and pure and full of only the best; unhindered by fear or pain. He was perfect!

Slowly I let go of the rap sheets I had been clinging to so ardently. Theirs and mine. I accepted myself and them as broken, hurting, yet incredibly loved and accepted beings created by an amazingly perfect and wonderful creator. 

I wish I could say that this is now how I live, but sometimes I find myself going back to that "courtroom" full of accusations and sentences directed at myself and my accusers. But God just smiles at me and reminds me when I feel frustrated at finding myself there yet again, that if I was able to live completely free of failures, I would have no need for him anymore. 

And today I can wholeheartedly say I am so so incredibly thankful for the pain I experienced almost two years ago.  Without it, my belief in God wouldn't have been shaken up and I wouldn't have had to choose between the truth and lies that I believed. I wouldn't have discovered the awesome love of my creator. I wouldn't have the strength that these last two months have required from me in a way that has never been required before. 

In escaping the prison of self doubt and the shackles of failure, I was able to revisit the dreams that God had placed in my heart from the time he made me. I had lived with the belief that I wasn't worthy of these dreams; didn't deserve them, but shaking up my beliefs in who I was in Christ brought me back to those deep desires.

As a kid, I dreamed of a huge family. I wanted tons of kids! At one point I even wanted to run an orphanage. Then I was told I wouldn't have children.

Amazingly I overcame infertility and conceived and delivered 4 healthy and huge baby boys. But I delivered them by C-section, once again putting limitations on the number of children I could have.

My grandpa is a father to 8 and he often jokes with me that maybe I'll be the next one in the family to have 8. My husband gets itchy and starts choking when he hears that, and that's probably why grandpa likes to say that more than anything. 

After I announced a 4th pregnancy I experienced the incredulity of others and the notion of 4 or more kids being grounds for ridicule and harsh opinions from others. It was yet another obstacle in achieving my dream of a large family.

This summer, however, I was able to talk my husband into the possibility of having another one. It was not without its struggles. We tried for a while and had to take medications and it was a discouraging walk at times. I wrestled really hard with the belief that I wasn't worthy or deserving of my dreams.

January 14th we finally got that positive that we had been praying so hard for, and looked forward to a September baby. We were so excited! That excitement was short lived as we walked through a week of bleeding and tests. We were told at the end of that week that the baby was fine. Levels were increasing and we would schedule an ultrasound to find where the bleeding was coming from. That weekend the bleeding increased and we were sent to the Emergency room. We were told that levels were no longer increasing like they should and that we had lost the baby. Two days later we got an urgent call from our doctor saying that the levels were again increasing and we needed to come in immediately. An ultrasound confirmed an ectopic pregnancy. We received a shot the next day to terminate the growing placenta, having been told that the baby's heart was no longer beating. The next weekend we were patients in the ER yet again, as the pain became excruciating. Levels at that point were slowly coming down and so we held off on surgery. Levels have continued to decrease and the doctor is very pleased that we avoided surgery.The fear and the pain dominated our lives, and we had no choice but to put all of our trust in a Father who has not promised to keep heartache from our lives, but has promised to never leave us. And as we cried and yelled and laid awake at night, the constant feeling of our hand cradled lovingly and firmly in that Fathers hand reminded us of that promise.

I write about my story, not to get your pity, but to share the valleys along with my mountaintops. I write my story not to dwell on the disappointment, but to share the hope that God has poured out on me these last several weeks. I write my story not to acquire accolades, but to reveal the glory of God even through pain.

I have been reminded so much over the last 18 months that what hate intended for evil, God has used for good, and I am so thankful. Knowing that God cared enough about me to use an incredibly painful time in my life to unveil the beauty and consistence of his love, for a time that I would need it most, brings tears to my eyes every time I think of it, and overwhelms me with gratitude!

I know my God could have prevented this. I know my God could have kept me from the pain I experienced 18 months ago, but I know that my God loved me enough and has such a perfectly good plan for my future, that EVERYTHING works for my good! He wasn't afraid to walk the valleys with me to get to the mountaintop!

I grieve for my sweet little one, but at the same time I look forward with anticipation to the day I will hold my baby and kiss my baby and say I love you to my baby. I have no doubt that a little Wilson is sitting patiently in heaven waiting to meet their loud crazy family!

And I know that there is no way I could have survived this time without the incredible strength and compassion of a daddy who loves me so completely and perfectly!

Life is precious, cherished, no matter how many failures it has under its belt; no matter how many weeks of life it has experienced. My life was created with a purpose and my baby's life was created with a purpose; YOUR life was created with a purpose, and that's AWESOME!

Happy New Year!

Hello world! Its me, Shelly! Its been a little while since I got on here, but I am hoping to do better this year! I am also hoping to lose the 5 pounds I resolved to lose last year along with the extra 5 I inadvertently added. 

Every year I make a few resolutions, but only so I don't feel so left out. All my friends have these amazing and inspirational goals for the year. i.e I resolve to get debt free (people do that???!?)I resolve to learn Spanish (I learned my numbers from Handy Many, does that count??) I resolve to travel to a place I have never been before (Does a new grocery store because my kids got us kicked out of our regular one count??) I resolve to get in shape. (Which shape? Does egg shape count?) I resolve to help all  the homeless dogs find a family, wipe out racism and save the whales.  (I give up!)

So this year I thought about what I wanted to make my resolutions. I had decided in early December that I wanted to stop yelling. (I know you all are shocked, that I yell right? at least pretend you are.) I fell asleep at 10pm on December 31st. At exactly 12:00 an impressive amount of fireworks were shot off in very close proximity to my house. I sat up and yelled: "what the heck!!!" Seriously?? Not even a minute in and I dropped the ball on my resolution?? Well then the next morning my kids got up and started fighting about who got to brush their teeth first and blue gooey toothpaste was squirted all over the mirror and I realized I had definitely overestimated myself and maybe I needed to get some more realistic resolutions! Maybe something like don't lose your voice from yelling more than once (or twice) a week! After all the in-laws are coming to visit in a few weeks!

January 1st I found myself handing out resolutions to my kids. Heck if I couldn't do it, at least I could be a helper for others right? Isn't there a verse about encouraging others to do good in the Bible?? I told Micah that his New Years Resolution was to be more encouraging to other people. He responded, "I would if they weren't so bad at stuff!" I told Kyler that his was to stop being so negative. After a lengthy conversation in which I tried at least 20 different ways of explaining the definition of negative to my son, we switched his to not tattling so much. The kid is currently down to 1,233 tattles a day! He's rocking this resolution thing!! Caleb acquired the resolution to stop screaming. He dropped to the floor yesterday screaming at the top of his lungs. He caught my stern eye, stopped mid scream and said "never mind" before sulking away. I gave Liam the resolution to cut back on the stubbornness, but my little over acheiver had already set his own resolution and it was, "win. every. time." I thought my husband was the most stubborn person I knew (aside from his mother of course) but Liam has never been OK with being second best.

I am pondering another resolution though. (I know I kind of missed that January 1st thing) I thought about all the people I admire. There is a couple in Tennessee (you know who you are!) whom I admire greatly. They are best friends, an incredible blessing to their kids and grand kids, and they are always happy! When unexpected things happen to them, they always seem to find the good, the happy and the funny about it! They take time to have fun together, never seeming to worry about what anyone else is thinking. The never seem worried about making sure people give them the credit or know they are right, instead they spend their energy building other people up. They enjoy life more than anyone I know!

So this year instead of focusing on all the people who have made my life difficult and feeling bitter about it, I'll let it go! I think I'll find time to think about the happy, look for the good, and stop to laugh every day!  After all the Bible says to think about excellent and praiseworthy things; perhaps there's something to that! And perhaps I'll give Kevin a New Year's Resolution to buy his wife more diamonds this year. That's excellent right??

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!

Grandparents are God's Hugs

Being a mom is so weird! Things happen that you could never have guessed would happen like even in a million years! I kinda like it....most of the time! 

We went to Virginia a couple weeks ago to be at an award ceremony for my grandfather. He's almost 87 and he spent a large part of his life serving in Canada on the mission field. I don't get to see my  grandpa often, but I cherish the memories I do have and I love when my kids get to spend time with their grandparents as well. They get a taste of my childhood, I feel, when they climb up on the same knees I sat on, and hear the same stories I heard, and smell the same laundry soap on the shoulders that I did. There is something very sacred about it! For just a moment life's worry's, family disputes, and differing views fade away. I believe that a grandparents snuggles are a little piece of what Heaven must be like.

Well you know my kids and that the innocent peaceful and old fashioned picture I am painting right now didn't exist...at least for long. When we met up with my grandparents, one child had a 104 fever, another one ran up to Grandma and joyfully shouted "grandma!" effectively getting the entire rooms attention for the next thing that came out of his mouth. "How did you get so old??" Liam's entire plate of food was mushed into the floor and every one who owned an iphone went home with questionable photos on their devices!

Overall it was an evening more than a few people will likely never forget!

It was a quick weekend, and Sunday we went back to Mom and Dad's before heading home on Monday.

Middle of the night I was woken by a crying Caleb insisting that he was going to throw up. We sat in the bathroom together while he emptied his stomach. He looked up at me with tears in his eyes and said "I'm just homesick for Colorado mommy." Talk about guilt trip!

He went back to bed, but it was apparent that his fever was inching closer to that  gotta-take-him-in stage when he sat up and asked me if the tiger in the corner was real. 

Um I don't think so buddy! He mentioned that he also saw happy and sad in the corner, and I was flipping out! He rolled over and looked up into my frantic face, and said "don't be scared mommy, daddy can hit the tiger with his big hammer right there." Needless to say that was the end of sleep for me!

He lived though, and we drove home where Liam and Kyler decided it was the in thing to have 104 fevers, and we spent the next week popping Motrin like it was candy! Doctor confirmed it was flu, and just to make it interesting a case of pink eye and strep throat and I am hoping that we just decided to get all of our illnesses out at one time!

All in all the Wilson family is still going strong. Its weird to be carving pumpkins in t-shirts and shorts, but I'm sure by March those pictures of snowy Colorado will make us very thankful for our cold front temperatures of 75!

Your all more than welcome to come check those "chilly" temperatures out if you are so inclined! We'll leave the light on for ya!!

Dreams Come True

Its 7:04 am and there is a panicked child standing in my kitchen. His hair is standing on end and his little bare feet are poking out from under his jammie bottoms. "Mommy! The tooth fairy didn't come AGAIN!"

20 minutes later there is another child refusing to get out of bed, a baby feeding his pop tart to the dog and lunches in the wrong backpacks, which is kind of a big deal since the kid whose allergic to peanut butter is holding the lunch with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. 

The dog runs off into the woods. A kid chases him. There are now muddy footprints from the back door through the kitchen. We are dangerously close to lateish for school. I will later realize that the clean underwear that was laid out for the oldest is still sitting on his bed, his body already sitting at school.

Its 9:20 am and my arms are full of groceries. There is a three year old with his pants around his ankles writing his name on the drive way in pee, waving at the poor elderly neighbor lady who looks like she's just seen a ghost. The only emotion I can muster is relief that he is finally not wetting his pants, so I just turn and lug my 5 gallons of milk into the house.

2 hours later I am making lunch. My towheaded toddler is scarfing down cookies and the older one is eating a sucker. I'm questioning why I even need to make lunch at this point. Around his sucker I'm asked if I have a baby in my tummy. "NO!" I exclaim. "Well it looks like it!" he smiles and red sucker drool drips onto my freshly scrubbed floor.

I require them both to eat their hotdogs before they get any more suckers. Caleb proclaims his hot dog is gone. Indeed it is, but there is an entire wiener sticking out of the dachshunds mouth! Oh well, nap time comes after lunch, I let it go. 

My living room is filled with teeny little and overwhelmingly contagious peals of giggles as my one year old tries to escape my tickling fingers. There are blocks everywhere that I will pick up probably another 6 times before the end of the day. I wouldn't trade it for anything!!

Later I will hear the story about the kid who peed his shorts at school and the math test that had almost all 11's for answers, and there will be a belching contest in my mini-van that has goldfish ground into the carpet and the dvd player that works only half the time before we get home. I will proudly display A+ math tests on my fridge, and gently remind that "of" does not have a "v" in it.

There will be countless "I love you's" a few "your the meanest mommy in the world" and at least a dozen, "Somebody wipe me's!!" by the end of my day.

Supper will be one kids favorite meal and another will refuse to eat it. Bath time may or may not happen.Wet towels will probably have mold on them by the time I discover them in a pile at the back of the closet. Hopefully the spiders won't be hiding in it too.

9:30 pm will probably find at least half of my offspring still giggling in their beds, dirty socks on bedroom floors, and a pile of dishes in the sink. I'll be tired, I'll probably feel frustrated, and I will climb in bed knowing that I have everything I have always wanted!!

School Shopping Secrets

I was recently asked what my secrets are to shopping for school for my boys and if I could share a few. Well here is my secret: SURVIVE IT! That's it! A good bottle of wine will definitely help!

It did get me thinking about my strategies and lessons learned and if I even had any! I decided I might have a few tricks up my sleeve that I could regale you all with, though I am sure that half of you are saying, "you didn't already know that??"

Kids clothes are some sort of conspiracy I am convinced! You wear them for two months before they grow out of them IF they last that long, and a pair of jeans for little legs is not that much less than what I pay for mine, though I assure you that there is about 5 times the amount of material on mine as there is on theirs!

My kids have to wear uniforms. There are several places that I have found that carry the specific colors my boys needed and I always sign up for their emails. Every one of them had a 30% family and friends sale, though it usually happened after school started, but if I you sign up for the emails, you will be sure to know when that is happening. You also will usually get coupons emailed to you from them. I am not a fan of credit cards AT ALL, but I must confess that I do have a Kohl's card. This is where I do the bulk of my shopping for clothes. With the card, you get a coupon for 15%, 20%, or 30% off every 6 weeks or so. You can only use the coupon with your card. Here is the secret, however. Take your check book along and after checking out whip that bad boy out and pay off your account. You have to do it with your checkbook though if you want to pay right there at the register. Check out your favorite store for perks of having a card, but make sure its one you don't have to carry a balance on or pay a fee for.

Perhaps one of my biggest lessons learned is one concerning those uniform pants; particularly for boys! My boys had to wear the Khaki dress pants, but those knees could only handle so many trips of crawling though the rocks of the playground and the gym floor and over cafeteria tables before they went belly up. I was buying new pants every month on average, for each boy! So I heard from someone that Lands End/Sears will replace the pants for the entire lifetime of the pant! I ordered some for each boy. I ordered during a 30% off sale and ordered enough to get free shipping. My boys went four months before little knobby knees started poking out through the reinforced patches. Sure enough, they replaced them for me free of charge, and they replaced those again 3 more times. They do know my name and we do swap weather reports every time I call, but their customer service is excellent! I am promised that they do this with all of their clothes!!

My number one secret on shopping for clothes has to be shopping at the end of the season! You can get name brand clothes for a fraction of what you would normally pay! Just make sure your not going to be moving across the country to a school where the uniform will change just enough so that you can't use all of the polo shirts you bought last year!

Then come the actual school supplies. School supplies when I was a kid was a package of crayons and some construction paper. Now, though, if your lists were anything like mine, there were the typical crayons and markers and also very specific white board pens and paper towels and enough hand sanitizer to fill a swimming pool! Here in Florida, I found out that there is a tax free weekend on all school supplies! However I researched that, and decided that the $5 I would be saving wasn't worth trying to brave the throng of other school shoppers and risk having the glue sticks run out before I got my own required 48! So I went a few weeks before.

However if you are shopping for a big item such as a computer, this weekend is totally when you want to shop for it!!

I have incredible friends who are very savvy in finding the best deals for their school supplies. I even have a friend who, when all was said and done, was paid $5 for doing all of her school shopping!! So please, if you are one of those people, we all want to hear your secrets!! Comment on this post so we all can join you in your school shopping heaven!

If you can get your school list early on, then you can be watching the circulars for the stores you usually shop at, and can snatch up the items on your lists whenever they go on sale, especially those Clorox wipes and Ziploc baggies! Find out if the store you shop at has a loyalty card. For example in Colorado you wanted to have the King Soopers (Kroger) card if you were shopping there (its free). Target now has a debit card that is linked to your checking account. You save 5% every time you use it, and you get free shipping when you order online. And clip those coupons!!

Amazon is also amazing when you get to those last few days before school and still haven't found illusive Learn-to-Letter notepads! Amazon doesn't charge tax, and if you sign up for an Amazon Prime Membership, you will get free two day shipping. You can also sign up for a trial of this if you know you are going to be buying a bunch of things and want to give it a try.  For those of you with kids in diapers, you can also save a ton on them if you have the Amazon Prime membership (and last time I checked they took coupons for those diapers)!

Backpacks are always a frustration for me. They are expensive! My plan is to always make them reuse their backpacks for a few years, but so far they haven't made them to the end of the year! If you watch Groupon, sometimes you can get good deals, but make sure they are quality backpacks and not ones where the zipper is going to fall out after a week! I tend to love Amazon for backpacks as well, but again you can't "feel" it before you buy it. Amazon, however, has reviews and I love reading what other moms have to say about the product before I incorporate it into my crazy life! Outlet stores are a great place to buy backpacks. I love shopping those outlets stores! Again sign up for the emails from the outlet stores, because you will know of sales and get coupons!

I have to admit that most of what I have learned has been through other moms who have gone before me. True some things you have to learn from experience, like the subtle noise of a diaper filling with a substance that doesn't have a chance of being contained in its thin elastic plastic, and how that noise can wake you from a dead sleep from clear across the room while your husband who is awake never even hears it, but in most "mommy moment" cases, I have learned so much from other moms! We would all love to learn from you who have more secrets so again, please comment below so we can all learn from you!
Check out this link for more tips! http://www.creditcardinsider.com/insider/top-5-ways-to-save-on-back-to-school-shopping/

HAVE ANOTHER GREAT SCHOOL YEAR!!

Girl Power

I love being a mom! I have to admit that I even enjoy the chaos! The crazy shocking things my kids do, the ER memories, even the embarrassing moments. I love being a mom!! I have always wanted to be a mom. I know people think I'm crazy for having as many kids as I do, and insane for wanting more, but every kid is so incredible and unique and adds so much to our family! People comment on how busy and hard it must be to go anywhere or do anything with all 4 of my boys, but I don't really think its that big of a deal. Sure I have my moments that I want to scream and shake a child until his brains rattle. Shopping with just one is faster, and having to get all four out just to mail a package sometimes gets annoying, but as far as I can tell from my mommy friends of one or two, this is true even for them!

I have been struggling lately with guilt. Pressure from other people to do, think, or believe something just because they do. Pressure from people to not want anymore children, because that's "stupid". Pressure to home school, because not to is "unchristian". Pressure to bake with all natural and no sugar and only vegetables, because not to is "unhealthy". Pressure to read a certain number of hours from the Bible to my children, pressure to shop at certain stores, pressure to have certain traditions, pressure to read certain books, pressure to speak a certain "language", pressure pressure pressure.

When I announced my pregnancy with Liam, someone actually told me, that they didn't know why anyone would have more than two children. In fact I was made fun of regularly, and the butt of many jokes because I was having a 4th child. I did not realize that there was a rule on how many kids a family should have before they were considered "idiots". I have had so many people freely share their opinion that I should not consider having anymore, even if I do want a little girl. Why? 

Why is "different" bad? When did we stop rejoicing in our diversity and differences and instead "shoot to kill" if someone has a different belief, different lifestyle, different view than our own?  The woman that chooses to have two children because that is all she can handle is an incredibly wise and generous woman! The woman who chooses to have 6 children because that's how many she can handle and delights in being a mom is an incredibly wise and generous woman. Why do we think that one is right and one is wrong?Why do we think it is our job to inform them that we are right and they are wrong?

Is it because we are worried that somehow we got it wrong? Is it because to gain some of the confidence that was shattered and lost along our life road, we have to have everyone doing the same thing we are, to somehow prove that we are in fact doing ok? Do we have to shatter the beautiful confidence of another woman to make ourselves feel less broken? 

I am so amazed lately at the epidemic I see among women, especially Christian women. Its like we have some how adopted the belief that a woman who holds any confidence or beauty or uniqueness or talent is a threat, an obstacle in our search for self worth and she must be annihilated at all costs. There are so many hurting and broken women who have been devoured by their own kind! Any time I hear a woman, even "jokingly" putting another woman or another type of woman down, I can't help but view her as insecure and weak. And that is exactly what we are when we choose to tear another precious female companion down.

What if we delighted in our differences. Instead of being threatened that she has more children, what if I recognize her strength in mothering and use her to learn more about becoming a better mom myself? Instead of being threatened that she has nicer clothes and cuter hair, what if I used her to teach me about style? What if instead of hating her for keeping a better house than mine, I used her to learn some secrets in improving in that area myself. Chances are huge that there is an area that she might eventually come to me on recognizing that I am stronger than her in that area.

Can you imagine a world in which every single woman was different and cheered on in her differences? Some worked out of the home, some stayed at home, some home-schooled, some didn't, some cooked, some didn't, some had 10 kids, some had 1 and we all started delighting in and encouraging each other on what we were doing well. Can you imagine the strength we would have together? Can you imagine how powerful we would be as a community of women knowing we were building up other women, and that there were dozens of other strong confident women building us up? The resources we would have because other women were growing in areas we had weaknesses in?

The other day I noticed a woman in line waiting to order her food. She was a little older and overweight, but she had this bright colorful dress on and I liked it. I mentioned to her that I liked her dress, and she stared at me for a few seconds with distrust all over her face. I smiled at her, and she tentatively said thank you to me and walked to her table. Several times through my meal she caught my eye and every time she did her smile got wider until it nearly stretched off of her face. I left wanting to cry that she wasn't celebrated every day for her unique beauty. The only reason for the strong emotion I felt was that God has been speaking to my own tattered heart about this so strongly lately.

As women we have such incredibly potent power. Power to build something strong and beautiful with surprisingly little effort, and power to completely demolish it. Why in the world would we choose not to build something of incredible lasting value?

I saw this on someones Facebook the other day. "Don't compare your life to others and don't judge them. You have no idea what their journey is all about."

School Daze

Well it is that time of year again. Back to school!! I have read some really inspirational blogs on school shopping, and helping your kids get ready to go back to the classroom, and how to have a good attitude while looking for illusive school supplies and emptying your bank account on them. I do love those blogs and will continue to read them! However my school shopping experience was sorely disappointing in the inspiration departement.

Every year I dream of making school shopping an exciting and bonding adventure for the child getting ready to head to the classroom. I picture happy skipping children trying on uniform pants which are on sale of course, and new crayons going in the cart with looks of rapture on innocent faces. I picture browsing through stores and finding deals on new backpacks that leave me feeling proud of my good stewardship, and ice cream cones after finding every item on the school supply list, telling stories of my own school days to captivated little boys.

WHY DOES THIS NEVER HAPPEN??

My babysitter couldn't watch the two little ones, so all four boys accompanied me on our school shopping trip. I had school supply lists that, rolled out, could have wound their way through the store and out the front door! I had a baby who had green snot crusted all over his face and kept trying to climb out of the cart. I had a three year old that ate the first package of washable markers that I put in the cart. A fist fight broke out over a backpack. A argument started over who got the blue scissors, and an entire bin of glue ended up on the floor!

Each child required 3 packages of 500 count computer paper! If there are 25 kids in a classroom that's 37,500 pieces of paper!! Per classroom!! If Al Gore is looking for someone to blame for environmental issues, call the schools, not the SUV owners! What in the world are they going to do with all of that paper??

Of course they didn't have every item on the list. No way that would be way too easy and stress free! I find myself every single year missing a handful of items from the list. I hate that feeling when walking out after having been in the store for well over an hour, kids with black eyes, other kids crying, bank account in the negative, pushing three carts and knowing your not finished yet!

Every year I do the same thing too. I walk through the aisle that has all of the notebooks, hoping that the learn to letter one will be there this time. So what if it wasn't there the last 35 times you looked, so what if the manager has assured you that yes he did check in the back every time you asked and they really didn't get any in the 5 minutes since then. They have to have one somewhere right??

So we bought the crayons and the glue and the paper towels. We didn't have ice cream, we didn't swap stories, because even Mama was under a no talking order by the time we left the store.

Thank God for Amazon! I ordered the few items, and felt relieved that I was finally done; until I realilzed I had them shipped to my old house in Colorado.

And then Kevin called. I couldn't really understand his hysterical voice, but I got the impression that he had looked at the bank account and was sure my bank card had been stolen. I assured him that I had been school shopping. He insisted that that wasn't school shopping, it was a student loan payment for college! He grumbled about not needing ziploc baggies or kleenex when he went to school for the next several days. He insisted that the only reason any child needed 24 glue sticks, was because they were going to be eating half of them. I kept the wall of computer paper hidden in the back of my closet. I don't think I even want to know his opinion on that!

Meetups and Kitchen Tables

It might come as a shock to some, but I am a very outgoing person and I will use any excuse as a reason to get a bunch of people together! 

In Colorado, the fact that there was going to be a 2 hour window where it wasn't snowing in May was definitely call for a backyard barbecue! A good grade from one of my boys warranted a play date, and if anyone wanted to borrow a cup of sugar from me, they only did if they had time to spend the afternoon hanging out in my kitchen with me swapping recipes! I love loud chaotic bonding times perfect for creating memories!!

My dear husband would fall into bed exhausted after a birthday party where I invited every one I knew within a 100 mile radius. I on the other hand, had so much energy I cleaned the house from top to bottom afterwards!

And then we moved to Florida where I knew no one, and it never snowed, therefore every night was barbecue worthy!! I started to go a little stir crazy after about 45 minutes. 

Two weeks after we got here, Kevin and I went into a furniture store to buy a kitchen table. The young salesman who helped us seemed about our age. I found out he had a wife and two young kids. He seemed perfect! 

Kevin and I sat at a table in a corner and had a whispered conversation something like this.

"Lets ask him if he and his wife want to go to dinner!"

"Shelly, I promise I will never go out in public again with you, if you do."

"Why??"

"You don't ask your salesman that you have known for 5 minutes out on a date! That's weird!"

"Why is it weird? You have to meet people somehow."

"Well you don't pick up your furniture salesguy! I'm pretty sure its not in their job description! Oh hi, yes we are ready to check out. My wife just has to go to the bathroom. NOW!"

After we got in the car, I proudly held up the business card I swiped on the way out and threatened to call him later. Kevin told me if I did, I would have to find the other half of my double date, because he wouldn't be it!

I joined a mommy group I found online. It was a group specifically designed for mom's of boys and encouraged boys to be as energetic as boys are. I was thrilled, it sounded perfect!

It turned out this mom felt that telling her child no in any shape or form was developmentally harmful and detracted from the beauty of the immense energy contained in a boys body!

The 8 year old kept taking his clothes off, The 4 year old broke 3 separate toys in under 10 minutes, all over other children's head, and the mother was glowing! "Isn't it great that we can let our boys be boys together!!"

Liam climbed under the kitchen table soon after we got there and refused to come out! Micah hid behind me whispering in my ear that he would do all of the laundry if we would just leave immediately, and Kyler found it to be the greatest  joy in the world that the mother of these boys opened several boxes of cookies and encouraged him to continue eating them even after he had already consumed a whopping 10! This mom was also a fan of "boys' appetites". 

We decided not to do the online dating for friends anymore.

I have been banned from Kevin,s workplace, because I go around asking people if they have wives and kids and if they want to come over for dinner.

Thankfully, my amazing Colorado friends have used some of their new found free time upon my leaving the state to call and chat with me for an allotted amount of time ;-) I love getting the texts and Facebook messages letting me know I'm not forgotten! 

Here's hoping the mailman got my little invitation to dinner I stuck in the mailbox. Who knows, he could be our next lifelong friend!!

10 Years!

10 years ago today two tiny little kids got married. Despite my dad saying "absolutely not" the first time Kevin asked to marry his little girl, Kevin said I do and gave me his name. Despite his mother not approving of how I treated her baby boy, and wishing her son would marry anyone else in the world, I said I do and gave Kevin my forever.

On that day I stood at the alter in my white dress, makeup done and hair piled in curls with a little tiara, and felt immensely excited at the fairy tale I was living. I had my own tiny apartment waiting to be decorated, a honeymoon in Florida waiting to be experienced, and happily ever after wrapped with dozens of other gifts in the lobby. I was completely and totally in love!

 A few months later we argued about whose family we would spent 4th of July with, and then we argued over which house to buy, and then we argued over which family to be with at Christmas, and then we argued over which families advice to take or ignore, and then we got pregnant before we planned, and then we realized our already small income got smaller when half of it was used to buy diapers, and that tires didn't last forever. We realized Friday nights would now be spent watching Barney instead of going to the movies.

We watched a few incredibly hard years go by, and at the end of every one we were pleasantly surprised that we had lasted through! Our friends lost bets on when it would end, and the neighbors braced for another year.

Then one day we woke up and realized that forever was here even if it didn't hold tiaras and happily ever after every day. Even if we had more poopy diapers than money and some raised eyebrows at our unconventional life.

 Dear Kevin in a tux standing at the alter 10 years ago: joking about PMS is not funny after 3500 jokes. Yes, different shoes for every outfit is absolutely necessary. Buying tampons is most certainly part of your job description.Christmas music in July is not weird. A 5 hour shopping trip where nothing but socks was purchased, is indeed a successful trip! If she says nothings wrong, you have totally screwed something up! Drinking the apple pie instead of eating it when it wouldn't thicken and then complimenting her, is exactly why she married you! Holding her hand while she cried because even your pants wouldn't fit over her pregnant belly, is one of the most honorable things you will do. Laughing until tears run down your face with her is going to be one of her favorite memories. Listening to the things that get on her nerves even though you don't have the slightest idea why such silly things even matter, makes you prince charming. Sticking through the hardest years of your life by her side is the best form of commitment you could have. Being yours is what she wants to be the more than anything else!

 Dear Shelly in a white dress and tiara: It doesn't matter what anyone thinks about you! If you keep trying to be what everyone wants you to be, you will most definitely go crazy, and he married you for who you are, so be that! Fishing is a serious thing and asking him to go home an hour before planned is like leaving before the kissing part of the chick flick! Jokes about the record setting losses by the Colorado Rockies is not even close to funny. He will never ever shut the closet door! He really will always figure out the percentage of milk left, the percentage of the road trip left, and the percentage of diapers he's changed. If he says nothings wrong, nothings actually wrong. He loves you with his whole heart, and even if he didn't hold your hand in the car today, it doesn't mean he loves you any less. No matter what you will face in life, he will face it with you! If you laugh at the frustrating inconveniences of life, he'll laugh with you and you'll have a memory instead of a fight. He's proud to call you his!

 Life doesn't look anything like I imagined it would ten years ago at the alter. I couldn't have imagined this kind of adventure and love and loyalty! I couldn't have imagined how incredibly hard the hard days would be and how they would shape us into an even better couple than I had originally planned. I couldn't imagine the surprises along the way, or the change in plans being the best things to ever happen, but they are.

I can only imagine where the next 10 years will take us, and I am sure I will look back at this day and laugh about how little I knew of what all we would become. I can't wait!

On the Road Again

People ask us all the time how we make so many road trips with all 4 of our kids. Well we recently decided to move to Florida, America's vacation destination, and live in a house big enough fo company; apparently we aren't as fond of the road trips as we appear to be.

Yesterday we were driving back from visiting my family in NC. It was a great weekend and we are so thankful for the 8 hour trip after driving 24+ hours one way over the last 7 years to see my family.

Everyone must have been suffering from PMS, because there was a lot of grouchy little faces in that van!

We made a pee stop because Caleb couldn't hold it a second longer. We got back on the interstate and literally 5 minutes down the road he was crying that he had to go number 2 now! (From the tears squeezing out his eyes and his panicked expression, we knew this was not a drill)

Someone, not going to name names here as that would just be rude, (NOT ME) suggested just putting him in a pull-up in the interest of saving a little time. We were hoping to stop in the next hour or so for supper and  it didn't seem economical to stop before that just use the bathroom AGAIN.

I helped him into a pull-up and settled back in my seat pleading with my oldest to stop asking me questions about how many planets there were, and what quantum physics was, and
how many presidents there were.

Finally we got off at the supper exit. We decided on Taco Bell. We pulled up to the drive thru order microphone and after arguing and changing minds and realizing we needed to also order Liam food, we placed our order. The lady came on and informed us that they were out of cheese, tomatoes and flat bread. Well at Taco Bell that pretty much limits your options to, well, a drink! We sat there for another 20 minutes discussing everything that had tomatoes and cheese in it, explaining that Taco Bell didn't make corn dogs, saying no to requests of 30 orders of cinnamon twists, ordering and reordering before I realized when I looked back at Caleb, that his seat was full of what he had filled his diaper with. I started gagging and reminded Kevin one more time to ask them to keep the re-fried beans OFF my burrito.
After we got our food we pulled into a parking spot to try and clean up the horrendous mess in the backseat with half of a package of wet wipes. We did rock paper scissors to decide who got the seat and who got Caleb, glared at each other as the stress level rose with the smell, and then got out of the van. We were viciously attacked by loud buzzing weird fly things, dive bombing at our heads!
Of course we were parked in a spot smack in front of the wall of windows of the restaurant and in front of a very busy street!
I started screaming and swatting at the flies. I lost my balance and to regain it without pummeling into the hard asphalt, I started taking awkward hops across the parking lot. I am terrified that a fuzzy cell phone video staring me and my little dance could surface on youtube! My older boys stared horrified at their screaming momma, ducking in their seats hoping that no one would see them. I don't think Kevin knew whether to hide too or throw poopy wipes at me, and poor stark naked Caleb started wailing that the flies were going to get him next. We were pretty impossible to miss in that moment.
It took a little while but eventually we were all in our seats again, nasty, cold, fast food handed out and headed down the interstate.
I took a huge bite of my burrito and started gagging. I had beans and orange sauce dripping onto my white T-shirt. I started motioning to Kevin to unlock the windows so I could roll mine down! he was very sympathetic, "No! No! Not on the van!!"
70 miles cruising through Georgia hanging out the window, I might surface on youtube yet again only this time I was trying to rid my body of every single bit of re-fried mush that had the same consistency and color of the mess I had just cleaned up!!
It was deathly quiet in the van for a little while, each of us traumatized by all that we had witnessed. I was eating my third little bag of fruit snacks that was now my supper, when I was suddenly struck with how crazy I must have looked flapping all over that parking lot with flies swarming me and I started laughing so hard we had to make another pee stop!
And that s how we do road trips! Anyone wanna come along???