Real Doubts; Real Proof

So I am writing yet another blog that may raise eyebrows and make some question my theology, but its whats happening in me right now.

This year, God has been really trying to get my attention! At the beginning of the year, I experienced his love in a way that I never had. It was incredible and really life changing for me. See the blog on my DR trip. Yes I admit that I have struggled with holding onto the enormity and realness of it sometimes, but I will be going about my day when all of a sudden I realize He is leaning down and whispering "I love you just because your you" in my ear, and I will be overwhelmed all over again by it!

After my incredible trip to the DR where I was knocked over with the knowledge of this incredible love, I came home, and though I probably wouldn't have said this, I felt like I would never ever let anything convince me that this incredible freedom in knowing I was loved wasn't all I had found it to be. All the time. No matter what I did or didn't do. No matter who said I was or wasn't. I was loved! 

It wasn't even a week before I found myself part of a conversation with someone who tried to convince me that I was not hearing God like she did nor did I even come close to being as accepted by Him like she was. I was left hurting and yelling defenses and ready to walk away from everything writing it off as yet another time I got it all wrong. But God gently reminded me that with this knowledge of his incredible love that could not be earned, people who had gotten a hold of that revelation stopped working themselves to death to gain an acceptance and love that they already had, and it kept them free enough to experience what God was wanting for them all along. Evil knew this better than we did, and would do anything to keep us from this awesome powerful freedom!

Like I mentioned before, there is sometimes a struggle to remember that I no longer have to work at finding his acceptance. I no longer have to perform. I no longer have to hate who I am. But every time I find that incredible place again, and I am floating from the enormous freedom, I get a tiny taste of Heaven and I resolve to spend more and more time in this place!

I have struggled with rejection and feeling unloved my whole life and now God is changing that. But he hasn't stopped there, and I must admit part of me feels a need to hurry up and learn it all so I don't have to be "taught" through my circumstances anymore. =)

All my life I have been taught to pray, because that is what Christians do. All my life I have struggled with prayer! I have such a long list of things I have prayed for that have either gotten worse, or not changed that I must admit I feel like its a pretty futile thing. Maybe just one more way to keep us busy or gauge how we are really measuring up as a Christian. One more guilt trip for other Christians to use to get us to do what they need in their ministries.Doesn't God already have everything planned out? So whats the point??

These last three weeks without my husband here make me wonder if maybe this isn't God's next lesson for me. 

A few days of these three weeks have been really hard. Those days, Kevin has mentioned frustration that those are the days he has spent extra time praying for me. My response in my heart has been, just stop praying because its making it worse!

Today something happened that caught me by total surprise. And here is where you will find out how simple I really am. =) I went to take Kyler to school. We hopped in, Caleb and Kyler were fighting, Liam hit me in the head with a shoe and I was so ready for school and nap time that I couldn't wait to  get out of the driveway.

I turned the key and nothing happened. I realized a light had been left on in the van and the battery was dead. I laid my head on the steering wheel. I didn't really pray. I just whispered something like "come on".

I started running through the options in my head. I could start knocking on neighbors doors to see if someone could jump start me, but I was facing into the garage and the other side was full of packed boxes. My husbands crooked, "I told you so look" filled my head and I defiantly turned the key again. It started. I grinned.

All the way to school I was bombarded with thoughts about things that have happened since Kevin left. The grandpa at Kyler's birthday party that caught the toddler falling down the steps and looked at my leaking kitchen facet. The babysitter who was already scheduled to babysit the whole day after I hurt my back so bad I couldn't pick up Liam. The furnace guy who patiently offered to change my filters for me, even though that was not part of his job. The vice principal who helped me get my kids in the car after school. The bag boy at the grocery store who took my boys over to ride the mechanical horse while I finished checking out. The doctor who took time to show me what to look for in appendicitis and give me a hug reassuring me that my son would make it.

These may seem inconsequential, but to a mom who is feeling hopelessly inadequate and enormously overwhelmed, they mean the world!

I realized that of course I'm going to feel more on the days my husband is praying for me, because just like with the power that comes from the freedom of knowing you are loved no matter what, having Kevin beating up demons and covering me in prayer makes me "untouchable"! That aint cool in Evil's mind!

I still don't understand prayer. I still wrestle with it. I know I still have a lot to learn about it, but I know one thing for certain, there is some pretty freaky power in having your spouse pray for you, and I don't doubt that for a minute. 

Thank you God for giving me a husband who will pray for me!!!

(The first time my husband prayed for me as his wife)

Sweet Reminders

My husband moved to Florida....without me. He left me with 4 boys, A bio unit with a dissection of a fetal pig, which is sitting plastic wrapped in my garage, and makes me shudder every time I walk by it, finals in three classes, two teacher luncheons, two end of school programs, a high maintenance home buyer, and a whole house to pack up. Isn't he romantic???

Yesterday I got up to a house that looked like Liam had free range of the fridge, toilet paper, and laundry basket....which he did, but at least my assignments were submited only 1 day late the night before. I was picking what I think was dried cheese out of the carpet when the phone rang.

Let me insert here, my awe at little kids. Do you know what all they can accomplish in just an hour, never mind a day??? Liam can redecorate the floor with Lucky Charms, fill the washing machine with mega blocks, clean the bathroom floor with chocolate milk, assist his older brother in sharing his stuffed animals, and throw an entire bags worth of dog food out the doggie door and onto the garage steps just in case our dog might get hungry if she ever decides to actually start going out to pee instead of doing it inside, and he isn't half as tired as I am just watching him!! Fast and efficient doesn't even begin to describe him! Thats youthful and incredibly impressive energy right there!!

The person on the other end of the phone was the realtor for our charming and organized home buyer. She wanted to come take measurements of her soon to be new home that she won't be moving into for another month and a half, but needed to measure today and no later, and could I please have children and dog and self vacated in two hours? Just how opposed is she to sour milk on the kitchen floor and over flowing garbage cans in the bathrooms while she measures??

It was kind of one of those days, where you are faced with the sad and honest reality that you are only one little tiny woman who most certainly does not possess super human qualities to create 4 male angels in the store, be at two appointments at once, or ever have a clean vehicle.

When I tucked my boys into bed, having threatened to break bones if anyone got up, lectured about the unwise decisions to hide homework, and bribed on-time morning promises from them, I looked at their little faces mostly clean from their showers, and said. "Sorry I've been kinda grouchy today".

They looked at me with these looks on their faces like, hah! kinda? today?? my oldest sweetly says, "Its because you miss daddy."

How is it that daddy can make everything better? I mean the kid is right, I am grouchy because my husband isnt here, but really what's changed since he left?

I still get everyone up in the morning. I still make lunches and facilitate homework and dress and change diapers for tiny little bodies. I still call teachers and get the groceries and wipe the boogies and make the supper; all stuff I still do when he's here.

But we do miss him and I am grouchy because I miss him and my 7 year old is one of the wisest little kids I know. So I told them, how about you remind mommy that she's being a little grouchy when I'm getting that way.

Today, was better.... until about noon! Then I had a baby covered in snot, wailing and super glued to my leg, a realtor wanting extra papers that I don't think even existed, a kid who had appendicitis like symptoms, and a half baked batch of cookies.

So I did what any I-wanna-be-supermom-but-I-can't-even-do-regular-mom-right-now woman would do. I ignored the realtors calls, I ate the rest of the cookie dough, I broke all speed limits getting to the doctor right before they closed and fed my kids takeout yet again. Thankfully the appendix seems to be ok living a while longer in its spot in my son's body. On the way home, Caleb and Liam were doing a pretty impressive rendition of the Veggie Tales theme song completly in spit, but it kept hitting the back of my neck and I wasn't really in the mood anyways.

I snapped at them to cut it out and for a blessed scond everyone was silent! Then a tiny Kyler voice says, "your kind being grouchy mommy."

I have to admit, it totally made my day! I laughed and said you are so right! So I let the kids eat several cookies, and didn't do the dishes in the sink, or pick up the toys on the floor, but we all snuggled and I felt happy knowing that I was my little kids' imperfect mommy, and I was totally loved and accepted by them!! And of course after daddy called, everyone felt better!!!!

And I know she's going to want to come tomorrow to look at replacing all door handles with the way my house looks. I don't know how, but she totally knows those nights I don't do supermom!!



Family

I think most of my blogs start out with, "I should be doing homework, but...." And so shall this one.

In my procrastination, I decided to take a shot at a blog that I knew I had to write as soon as I knew we were leaving Colorado. It is very dear to my heart, and I will probably be sobbing by the end, but here goes.

When I was 12 my parents invited a newly wedded couple to our house. We had supper and I spent the rest of the night in my room consoling a friend who had just broken up with her "true love". Maybe I should write a blog on all of the things I would go back and tell my sweetly stupid self, especially about true love, especially at 12! Whew that would be a long blog!

Anyway, shortly after that dinner, this couple took me and my sister to a concert. We sat out in the summer breeze, eating subs and listening to amplified songs, and my sister and I totally fell in love them! We went to several more concerts, had a few more dinners, and then they had a baby. This baby became our live doll! This kid was dressed up as a girl and drug to piano lessons, and ate a bowl of whoopie pie frosting and watched Veggie Tales ALL THE TIME!

Larry and Beverly O'Connell became Uncle Larry and Aunt Bev. They let us stay up late giggling in their basement and watching movies, Larry taught us how to drive his massive truck, and they were always gracious enough to look at cuts and bruises and answer late night medical questions. 

We did a lot of camping and fishing with them. I hated hiking! We would be climbing some ridiculous mountain that Larry said was only a mile tops. 5 miles in, he would tell us, "its just around that corner" 18 corner later, we all crashed on the ground by a little stream where we caught 2 fish and headed back the same grueling way we came in.

The first guy that ever showed interest in me, never called me back after he met my family. It was not my dad he was most afraid of, it was my Uncle Larry!

One camping trip, Larry let me drive his truck down a little mountain road. He was sandwiched between me and my sister. A song came on that we liked and we turned it all the way up and started dancing. Poor Larry got headbutted until he turned purple!

Bev and my sister and I liked to watch movies. One day we all filed into the theater with our candy and popcorn and settled in. This movie was horrible! Everyone died!!! Shortly after my sister and I spent the night at Bev's house and we watched another movie. After the main character died, we decided that our new activity would be shopping!!

Soon I met a guy that stuck around for a little bit. Uncle Larry wasn't real fond of him, but he kept coming back anyway.

I knew I liked him when he got along so well with my #1 man, Colt!!

He joined in our ski trips, and camping trips and holiday celebrations, so I married him!

Skiing in Breckenridge

Camping over Fathers Day

4th of July

When I got pregnant, Larry, who is an OB/GYN, threatened to move to Antarctica if I didn't stop calling him in the middle of the night asking if that feeling was normal!

The best part of the pregnancy was that Bev was also pregnant!!

And the even better part was that the two little boys are the best of friends!!!

Bev and Larry and their three kids couldn't be more family to us!! They have been there through incredibly difficult time. They have been there through amazingly happy times, and when no one else was there, they were!! They taught us how to play Hand and Foot, They taught us that rain is NOT a good excuse to cancel a fishing trip. They taught us that how to ski, and ride a horse and drive a Dodge pickup. They taught us what family truly is!! We have so many memories with them, and I have no idea how we will be able to say goodbye!!

Its hard to believe that my little "baby doll" is now playing with my kids that used to be his age!!

O'Connell's you are and will always be our family, and there is no way we could ever tell you how thankful we are for you!!!We are all going to miss you!!!!

March 2nd 2013

March 2nd was hardly like any other day. I got up indecently early, ran through security and hopped on a plane to decide if we should uproot our family and move across the country.     

I hate flying! It makes me nervous and anxious, and Kevin would argue that calling what I am when I fly nervous, is like calling a  hippo a little on the large side.

Anyways. We flew to Houston and landed in a lot of bumpy wind. I got off the plane shaking and wondering how in the world I would get back on another one in a couple of hours. 

I did, however, and I forgot to pee before boarding.  A younger guy sat by me. He had earrings and pants that showed off his boxers, because lets face it why would you spend money on something no one can see?? He was very pleasant though and I was glad.

We had some delays getting off the ground. Normally I pray that we won't become airborne miles and miles above solid ground in a big heavy hunk of metal flown by an unseen man who may or may not have had his annual eye exam recently. However, my bladder was setting records on how large it could stretch out, and I was praying for that cruising altitude of gazillion miles from land.

It was bumpy! No it was horrific! The cool guy with the boxers and earrings began uttering the Lord's name and I am pretty sure that he wasn't using it the same way they do in Sunday School!

By now I have a cut in my arm from my own finger nail, and poor Kevin is slouching in his seat hoping no one knows we are together. I think we was hoping with the way the other guy was acting that it would look like I was his wife. I am joining in my other seat mates cries, only I am pleading with God to either make the end come quickly or save us please!!! I don't know which one to pray about, the bone jarring 1000 foot drops, or the full bladder that stays up there at that 1000 feet higher without me!!

Finally the seat belt sign goes off and I rocket out of my seat. We pretty much bounced around the rest of the flight to Orlando. Once we start our initial descent, we are told that there are unusually high winds in the Orlando area, and that we should expect some bumps coming in.

What they should have sad was, hold on to you butts and tuck your head between your legs, because landing in this stuff is not going to be easy, in fact we might at times be flying sideways and there is no way the overhead luggage is going to remain in its current spots!!!!!!

I have never thanked God so abundantly for his green wonderful earth as I did once those wheels touched down!

We taxied and taxied and taxied, so I turned my phone on and saw that I had a text from my sister. It was weird. It just said to call her. Because it was taking forever to get to the gate I called her from my seat. 

What she told me pretty much changed my life!!

I'M GONNA BE AN AUNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then my darling sister told me not to tell anyone. Are you kidding me?? Its kinda like someone winning the lottery, being taken to a shoe store and told not to spend anything for a while! Anyone who knows me knows that I am the worlds worst secret keeper!! My good friend who is an OB/GYN, commented yesterday that the world knew I was pregnant before my husband even did because of the nationwide shortage on pregnancy tests! He may or may not be accurate. Well can I tell strangers?? Yes I could, so I informed the entire plane that my sister was knocked up and thanked the pilot for keeping me alive long enough to find out that I was going to be an aunt. 

The people in the elevator smiled politely as I shared the good news with them and the guy at the rental car place congratulated me hesitantly. My husband's new boss looked at me funny when he asked me how I was liking Florida and I gushed that I was going to have a niece or nephew by Christmas.

When we got home I played charades with a friend, somewhat letting the cat out of the bag, because that's different than telling right????

We went shopping in Daytona, and I found the cutest little outfits!!

Kevin told me "NO" in no uncertain terms. He said, "Shelly, we will wait until we find out what it is then we can buy clothes, but I think we should buy this one." He was holding a little shirt that said " I love my Uncle" but I didn't take a picture because it wasn't near as cute as the ones I had picked out!

I am sooooo excited!! I cannot wait to meet my little niece or nephew, and if it is a niece she will be outfitted until she's 13 the week I find out!!!