Real Doubts; Real Proof

So I am writing yet another blog that may raise eyebrows and make some question my theology, but its whats happening in me right now.

This year, God has been really trying to get my attention! At the beginning of the year, I experienced his love in a way that I never had. It was incredible and really life changing for me. See the blog on my DR trip. Yes I admit that I have struggled with holding onto the enormity and realness of it sometimes, but I will be going about my day when all of a sudden I realize He is leaning down and whispering "I love you just because your you" in my ear, and I will be overwhelmed all over again by it!

After my incredible trip to the DR where I was knocked over with the knowledge of this incredible love, I came home, and though I probably wouldn't have said this, I felt like I would never ever let anything convince me that this incredible freedom in knowing I was loved wasn't all I had found it to be. All the time. No matter what I did or didn't do. No matter who said I was or wasn't. I was loved! 

It wasn't even a week before I found myself part of a conversation with someone who tried to convince me that I was not hearing God like she did nor did I even come close to being as accepted by Him like she was. I was left hurting and yelling defenses and ready to walk away from everything writing it off as yet another time I got it all wrong. But God gently reminded me that with this knowledge of his incredible love that could not be earned, people who had gotten a hold of that revelation stopped working themselves to death to gain an acceptance and love that they already had, and it kept them free enough to experience what God was wanting for them all along. Evil knew this better than we did, and would do anything to keep us from this awesome powerful freedom!

Like I mentioned before, there is sometimes a struggle to remember that I no longer have to work at finding his acceptance. I no longer have to perform. I no longer have to hate who I am. But every time I find that incredible place again, and I am floating from the enormous freedom, I get a tiny taste of Heaven and I resolve to spend more and more time in this place!

I have struggled with rejection and feeling unloved my whole life and now God is changing that. But he hasn't stopped there, and I must admit part of me feels a need to hurry up and learn it all so I don't have to be "taught" through my circumstances anymore. =)

All my life I have been taught to pray, because that is what Christians do. All my life I have struggled with prayer! I have such a long list of things I have prayed for that have either gotten worse, or not changed that I must admit I feel like its a pretty futile thing. Maybe just one more way to keep us busy or gauge how we are really measuring up as a Christian. One more guilt trip for other Christians to use to get us to do what they need in their ministries.Doesn't God already have everything planned out? So whats the point??

These last three weeks without my husband here make me wonder if maybe this isn't God's next lesson for me. 

A few days of these three weeks have been really hard. Those days, Kevin has mentioned frustration that those are the days he has spent extra time praying for me. My response in my heart has been, just stop praying because its making it worse!

Today something happened that caught me by total surprise. And here is where you will find out how simple I really am. =) I went to take Kyler to school. We hopped in, Caleb and Kyler were fighting, Liam hit me in the head with a shoe and I was so ready for school and nap time that I couldn't wait to  get out of the driveway.

I turned the key and nothing happened. I realized a light had been left on in the van and the battery was dead. I laid my head on the steering wheel. I didn't really pray. I just whispered something like "come on".

I started running through the options in my head. I could start knocking on neighbors doors to see if someone could jump start me, but I was facing into the garage and the other side was full of packed boxes. My husbands crooked, "I told you so look" filled my head and I defiantly turned the key again. It started. I grinned.

All the way to school I was bombarded with thoughts about things that have happened since Kevin left. The grandpa at Kyler's birthday party that caught the toddler falling down the steps and looked at my leaking kitchen facet. The babysitter who was already scheduled to babysit the whole day after I hurt my back so bad I couldn't pick up Liam. The furnace guy who patiently offered to change my filters for me, even though that was not part of his job. The vice principal who helped me get my kids in the car after school. The bag boy at the grocery store who took my boys over to ride the mechanical horse while I finished checking out. The doctor who took time to show me what to look for in appendicitis and give me a hug reassuring me that my son would make it.

These may seem inconsequential, but to a mom who is feeling hopelessly inadequate and enormously overwhelmed, they mean the world!

I realized that of course I'm going to feel more on the days my husband is praying for me, because just like with the power that comes from the freedom of knowing you are loved no matter what, having Kevin beating up demons and covering me in prayer makes me "untouchable"! That aint cool in Evil's mind!

I still don't understand prayer. I still wrestle with it. I know I still have a lot to learn about it, but I know one thing for certain, there is some pretty freaky power in having your spouse pray for you, and I don't doubt that for a minute. 

Thank you God for giving me a husband who will pray for me!!!

(The first time my husband prayed for me as his wife)