The gym and other unholy places

So I must confess that I gained an impressive amount of weight while I was growing my last little human. But that's ok, right? You'll just nurse it all off right? No! Not me! I went into that hospital, birthed an 8lb 4oz kid; I came home, excited to hop on that scale to see how low my number had dropped. 5 pounds! What?? 

I finally looked at my husband a few weeks ago and declared that I was sick of how much I weighed and I wanted to be back to where I had been last summer. He eyed the brownies I was holding in each hand and wisely kept his mouth shut. But I knew! I knew exactly what was going through that bald little head of his. So I explained to him that I was currently eating for two, thank you very much. He muttered something about eating brownies for four, and I made sure the next poopy diaper happened when I was busy, to get back at him.

Today I ventured back to the gym. They were nice enough to keep their comments about not seeing me for over 6 months to a minimum. They smiled at my kids and said, "Do you remember which room you go to??"

After dropping kids off, I went back to the very very very back of the gym to the elliptical farthest from anyone's line of sight. They had totally done something to the elliptical machines while I was gone! Like they must have increased the time of the programs and tightened the gears because half way through I was wheezing and seeing spots and begging God not to let my last moments on earth happen without brownies! The little old man next to me, who clearly had an easier elliptical, kept checking to make sure I was still breathing. Had I allowed it, I think he would have started CPR. 

The skinny chicks all around me are hardly breaking a sweat, flipping long golden locks over their shoulders, while my stringy locks should have been wound up in a towel. I left puddles along the floor on my way to the water fountain! I could hear their  musings on just how many brownies this one chick had consumed by herself! Seriously do these girls just never eat?? Thighs like that only exist on photo shop for crying out loud! Maybe next time I'll bring them some brownies. Sheesh!

After my impossibly long stretch on the elliptical, I limped my way to the childcare room. The worker when he saw me asked, "oh, done already?" Dude, If I wasn't wheezing through my newly developed asthma with a face the color of a tomato, I'd kick your hiney!  

My 10 year old kept asking if I was still breathing all the way home. The 4 year old was mad because he was convinced that I was lying when I told him I had not gone swimming without him. He insisted that you can,t get your hair THAT wet just from sweating.

I'm gonna need the next 6 weeks to recover from that traumatic experience. If you need me I will be back on my couch with my non judgmental friends on Gilmore Girls, eating brownies!

Showers, the cable guy and 3am thoughts

Hello world! Its been over one year since my last confession. In that time I have grown another tiny human and have managed to keep her alive for 11 weeks! Much has changed! The regularity of showers for one and all the creative outfits that I can make with sweatpants!

Seriously though, how did I forget how rare and precious showering is when you have a newborn?? My 4 year old finally told me the other day, "Mommy you smell funky, go take a shower!" Of course I can always count on him to be honest! He told a stranger in the store the other day, "My mommy doesn't have a baby in her tummy anymore, now shes just fat." Dude! Thank you for keeping my ego in check!

Several weeks ago all the stars lined up just perfectly in a rare and priceless moment, and I was actually able to climb into the shower while the baby napped. I was thinking how amazing it felt to be clean again, and then that damned door bell rang. The dog barked, the baby started screaming and I knew only one leg was getting shaved today. 

The kids yelled at me that some guy was at the door so I yelled back, "tell him to go away!" I heard my 9 year old say, "My mom can't come to the door, she just got out of the shower and she's naked." People, at least if I am doing nothing else right, I am raising some incredibly honest humans!

My boys inform me that the guy at the door is waiting for me, and I need to hurry up. I wrap my hair in a towel, pick up the screaming baby who has pooped clear up into her hair, and answer the door with mascara still dripping from my eyes. I'm pretty sure my shirt was on backwards!

This poor little unsuspecting cable dude is standing on my doorstep. We stare at each other for a minute. The kid has fear in his eyes! The dog is still yapping and the baby is still screaming. I tell him to come back later. Amazingly enough he does. My dear husband, not knowing the spectacle his wife created of herself earlier in the day, invites the guy in to sit at our kitchen table for 45 minutes and switch our cable. I walked through the kitchen at one point. The cable kid and I were careful not to make eye contact.

I started shopping at 3am. I'm up, why not get something done! Plus  taking 5 kids into a store requires the National Guard! One sweet little old lady came up to me the other day when I was out with all of them. "Honey, are these all YOURS?" I stared at her a minute. I desperately wanted to respond with, "That one is, that one is, I stole that one, and I have no idea where that one came from." but I coughed and just nodded. 

Life is still crazy in the Wilson house. We are still creating memorable and shocking moments. And we are still incredible blessed!