So I must confess that I gained an impressive amount of weight while I was growing my last little human. But that's ok, right? You'll just nurse it all off right? No! Not me! I went into that hospital, birthed an 8lb 4oz kid; I came home, excited to hop on that scale to see how low my number had dropped. 5 pounds! What??
I finally looked at my husband a few weeks ago and declared that I was sick of how much I weighed and I wanted to be back to where I had been last summer. He eyed the brownies I was holding in each hand and wisely kept his mouth shut. But I knew! I knew exactly what was going through that bald little head of his. So I explained to him that I was currently eating for two, thank you very much. He muttered something about eating brownies for four, and I made sure the next poopy diaper happened when I was busy, to get back at him.
Today I ventured back to the gym. They were nice enough to keep their comments about not seeing me for over 6 months to a minimum. They smiled at my kids and said, "Do you remember which room you go to??"
After dropping kids off, I went back to the very very very back of the gym to the elliptical farthest from anyone's line of sight. They had totally done something to the elliptical machines while I was gone! Like they must have increased the time of the programs and tightened the gears because half way through I was wheezing and seeing spots and begging God not to let my last moments on earth happen without brownies! The little old man next to me, who clearly had an easier elliptical, kept checking to make sure I was still breathing. Had I allowed it, I think he would have started CPR.
The skinny chicks all around me are hardly breaking a sweat, flipping long golden locks over their shoulders, while my stringy locks should have been wound up in a towel. I left puddles along the floor on my way to the water fountain! I could hear their musings on just how many brownies this one chick had consumed by herself! Seriously do these girls just never eat?? Thighs like that only exist on photo shop for crying out loud! Maybe next time I'll bring them some brownies. Sheesh!
After my impossibly long stretch on the elliptical, I limped my way to the childcare room. The worker when he saw me asked, "oh, done already?" Dude, If I wasn't wheezing through my newly developed asthma with a face the color of a tomato, I'd kick your hiney!
My 10 year old kept asking if I was still breathing all the way home. The 4 year old was mad because he was convinced that I was lying when I told him I had not gone swimming without him. He insisted that you can,t get your hair THAT wet just from sweating.
I'm gonna need the next 6 weeks to recover from that traumatic experience. If you need me I will be back on my couch with my non judgmental friends on Gilmore Girls, eating brownies!
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