Last week, I had put it off long enough. This year I had ordered most of our school supplies on Amazon, because lets face it, taking 5 kids into a store to buy 1000 pencils and 2000 crayons, should seriously be the plot of a horror movie! But I needed shoes and I needed to try the shoes on the very picky feet of my children before buying or I would have been sending shoes back to the online retailer for the next 30 months!
We went into the store after sitting in the van for 20 minutes listening to lectures and threats and bribes that would have put a hostage negotiator to shame! I walked past 3 older woman who counted my children out loud as we walked past. We returned a shirt, went pee 6 times, changed a diaper, and then another one, and then we were finally ready for the shoes.
Liam's little brain is beginning to forget the impressive threats I made a few minutes earlier and keeps hiding in the clothes racks and jumping out at unsuspecting women. He unashamedly cackles loudly when a lady jumps back and yelps when he comes barreling from behind the shirt on clearance that she is contemplating. So I buckle the little squirt into the stroller.
Caleb has been in time out 4 times, which basically means he has to hold onto the stroller and not let go, which he only does when he sees a spot that he knows we won't get through together, and then he stubbornly refuses to let go, because he's doing exactly what he was told....which he is normally allergic to. At the shoes there's a bench. Perfect time out spot!
Micah starts trying on shoes. Every. Single. Shoe in the store. Liam is trying to get the buckle undone, but when his escape attempts fail, he grabs a shirt and starts snapping Caleb who is still in time out. Caleb howls at ear shattering decibels, insuring that every single person in the store turns to watch us. Liam is hanging out of the stroller, feet tangled in the buckle. he's scared. He knows you hit the older brother, and then you run as if your life depended on it, because seriously your life depends on it!
Caleb takes of his sandal, and seeing that his target is conveniently trapped, he starts beating the little turd over the head with his shoe. Liam bites Caleb's ankle, and Caleb climbs up on top of the stroller and straddles his brother still swinging the shoe. A sweet little Mexican lady crosses herself and starts speaking rapid Spanish to her friend. They both stare in horror at the cat fight going on in my stroller.
I stand there looking at my phone. Maybe if I pretend not to notice someone will call child services and they will confiscate my children while they determine if I am a fit mother. As appealing as a quiet evening is, I decide this probably isn't acceptable mother behavior and separate the screaming, biting, and scratching kids, as the lady starts hyperventilating.
We head to the register. Caleb meekly says, "Mommy I'm sorry." Two women start swooning over how sweet he is while I laugh a humorless laugh. No way kid! You are NOT forgiven yet! They glare at me, and I'm tempted to send them back to the Spanish speaking woman who is still having heart palpitations in the shoe department! She'd probably be able to disqualify the sweet innocence of my grounded-for-the-next-17-years kid better than I ever could!
We get in line. The sales person counts my kids. Yes, yes I know I have 5! He stares in horror at Liam who is rolling on the floor and under the partition towards him. He looks at me and says, "You do know that floor is dirty, right?" Oops I thought he was still buckled in the stroller. I pay for the shoes, and gather my kids. Kyler turns to the couple behind us and tells them to have a nice evening....all in one impressively long burp.
And thankfully we have 12 months before I meet the school shopping mountain again.
No comments:
Post a Comment