I've come to a couple conclusions over the last week or so. There is a chance that God took notice of all of the missing assignments in my grade school past and that is the sole reason he gave me 5 kids; so I can complete my fair share of homework papers. Also swear words and wine were discovered by moms up to their eyeballs in spelling words, geography research and solve for X.
Last night I found myself sitting on a couch with thoughts like, "If the mom police saw me now, they would know that I do NOT have a license for this life I live." "What the heck is that kid wailing? Is it even English?" "Did I feed the baby dinner?" "Where the heck is this kid's father??"
One kid was mad because I was quizzing him on his brothers spelling words, another kid was literally wailing because he circled the wrong teddy bears on his math paper, and one kid was winning awards with a crazy impressive speech about how he finished his homework in class. That kid will break any lie detector tests he ever takes!
Ok lets take this homework one grade at a time. Lets start with Kindergarten, because lets face it, THAT is more my speed. The instructions said to circle the one group of bears and underline the other group. There were 6 bears lounging on this piece of paper. 3 were circled. they were not similar. I asked this particular kid why he circled those three. "Because mommy, those three were my favorite!" I gave him a high five, told him he did
a great job and sent him off to find some jammies.
Ok, 2nd grade homework. His assignment included timing him for a minute while he read a passage. He tells me, "I memorized the whole thing. Just write down the highest number." No kid, it doesn't work like that. So he starts reading. It doesn't sound right. I asked him what the heck he was reading. His response: "If you leave out the "and's" and "the's" you can read more." I write down a number and send him off to find jammies before the timer even dings.
4th grade! I can do this! I'm rocking this homework, lets finish for the love of everything good and holy! This kid is staring at me with a blank expression. "Homework? Oops, I think I left it at school." Oh thank God! Third one is off to find jammies!
But then there is more wailing and the kid that I thought should be sleeping by now since we finished his homework first is standing in front of me. "THE BABY ATE MY HOMEWORK!" Crap, maybe I did forget to feed her dinner! Ok homework time is over, it is officially BEDTIME!
45 minutes, 27 spankings, and 536 warnings later, all 5 kids are in their beds. I sat down with the worlds largest glass of wine and everyone's homework in front of me. the 6th grader with the impressive story telling skills asks to use his computer, which he has been grounded from already."Ummmm I thought you didn't have homework??" his response is so foreign to me. "I need to do research for my paper; its extra credit."
What the heck is "extra credit"? In my classes that was the point where I said, "Oh she wasn't talking to me, back to passing notes." But apparently there are actually kids who DO the extra credit! Kevin insists that extra credit isn't to bring up grades, its a savings account in case you get to close to a B, and need that little extra to save an A. What?? Ok....nerds! I still don't understand, but I type in "where the heck do Amish people hail from" on google, yell to my oldest, "You're from Switzerland! Research it tomorrow" and refill my wine.
My husband looks over my shoulder and says, "Just because you try to use sloppy handwriting doesn't mean the teacher will think the kids did their own homework."
Well here is to another night where the kids are alive and homework is finished (and so is my bottle of wine) and my oldest sincerely thanked me for not killing him today! I call that a successful day! Now on to carpool where my goal is to only run into 5 cones instead of the 7 I hit yesterday! Mom life y'all, may the odds be ever in your favor!
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