That time I took all 5 kids school shopping

Last week, I had put it off long enough. This year I had ordered most of our school supplies on Amazon, because lets face it, taking 5 kids into a store to buy 1000 pencils and 2000 crayons, should seriously be the plot of a horror movie! But I needed shoes and I needed to try the shoes on the very picky feet of my children before buying or I would have been sending shoes back to the online retailer for the next 30 months!

We went into the store after sitting in the van for 20 minutes listening to lectures and threats and bribes that would have put a hostage negotiator to shame! I walked past 3 older woman who counted my children out loud as we walked past. We returned a shirt, went pee 6 times, changed a diaper, and then another one, and then we were finally ready for the shoes.

Liam's little brain is beginning to forget the impressive threats I made a few minutes earlier and keeps hiding in the clothes racks and jumping out at unsuspecting women. He unashamedly cackles loudly when a lady jumps back and yelps when he comes barreling from behind the shirt on clearance that she is contemplating. So I buckle the little squirt into the stroller. 

Caleb has been in time out 4 times, which basically means he has to hold onto the stroller and not let go, which he only does when he sees a spot that he knows we won't get through together, and then he stubbornly refuses to let go, because he's doing exactly what he was told....which he is normally allergic to. At the shoes there's a bench. Perfect time out spot! 

Micah starts trying on shoes. Every. Single. Shoe in the store. Liam is trying to get the buckle undone, but when his escape attempts fail, he grabs a shirt and starts snapping Caleb who is still in time out. Caleb howls at ear shattering decibels, insuring that every single person in the store turns to watch us. Liam is hanging out of the stroller, feet tangled in the buckle. he's scared. He knows you hit the older brother, and then you run as if your life depended on it, because seriously your life depends on it!

Caleb takes of his sandal, and seeing that his target is conveniently trapped, he starts beating the little turd over the head with his shoe. Liam bites Caleb's ankle, and Caleb climbs up on top of the stroller and straddles his brother still swinging the shoe. A sweet little Mexican lady crosses herself and starts speaking rapid Spanish to her friend. They both stare in horror at the cat fight going on in my stroller.

I stand there looking at my phone. Maybe if I pretend not to notice someone will call child services and they will confiscate my children while they determine if I am a fit mother. As appealing as a quiet evening is, I decide this probably isn't acceptable mother behavior and separate the screaming, biting, and scratching kids, as the lady starts hyperventilating.

We head to the register. Caleb meekly says, "Mommy I'm sorry." Two women start swooning over how sweet he is while I laugh a humorless laugh. No way kid! You are NOT forgiven yet! They glare at me, and I'm tempted to send them back to the Spanish speaking woman who is still having heart palpitations in  the shoe department! She'd probably be able to disqualify the sweet innocence of my grounded-for-the-next-17-years kid better than I ever could!

We get in line. The sales person counts my kids. Yes, yes I know I have 5! He stares in horror at Liam who is rolling on the floor and under the partition towards him. He looks at me and says, "You do know that floor is dirty, right?" Oops I thought he was still buckled in the stroller. I pay for the shoes, and gather my kids. Kyler turns to the couple behind us and tells them to have a nice evening....all in one impressively long burp.

And thankfully we have 12 months before I meet the school shopping mountain again.

The gym and other unholy places

So I must confess that I gained an impressive amount of weight while I was growing my last little human. But that's ok, right? You'll just nurse it all off right? No! Not me! I went into that hospital, birthed an 8lb 4oz kid; I came home, excited to hop on that scale to see how low my number had dropped. 5 pounds! What?? 

I finally looked at my husband a few weeks ago and declared that I was sick of how much I weighed and I wanted to be back to where I had been last summer. He eyed the brownies I was holding in each hand and wisely kept his mouth shut. But I knew! I knew exactly what was going through that bald little head of his. So I explained to him that I was currently eating for two, thank you very much. He muttered something about eating brownies for four, and I made sure the next poopy diaper happened when I was busy, to get back at him.

Today I ventured back to the gym. They were nice enough to keep their comments about not seeing me for over 6 months to a minimum. They smiled at my kids and said, "Do you remember which room you go to??"

After dropping kids off, I went back to the very very very back of the gym to the elliptical farthest from anyone's line of sight. They had totally done something to the elliptical machines while I was gone! Like they must have increased the time of the programs and tightened the gears because half way through I was wheezing and seeing spots and begging God not to let my last moments on earth happen without brownies! The little old man next to me, who clearly had an easier elliptical, kept checking to make sure I was still breathing. Had I allowed it, I think he would have started CPR. 

The skinny chicks all around me are hardly breaking a sweat, flipping long golden locks over their shoulders, while my stringy locks should have been wound up in a towel. I left puddles along the floor on my way to the water fountain! I could hear their  musings on just how many brownies this one chick had consumed by herself! Seriously do these girls just never eat?? Thighs like that only exist on photo shop for crying out loud! Maybe next time I'll bring them some brownies. Sheesh!

After my impossibly long stretch on the elliptical, I limped my way to the childcare room. The worker when he saw me asked, "oh, done already?" Dude, If I wasn't wheezing through my newly developed asthma with a face the color of a tomato, I'd kick your hiney!  

My 10 year old kept asking if I was still breathing all the way home. The 4 year old was mad because he was convinced that I was lying when I told him I had not gone swimming without him. He insisted that you can,t get your hair THAT wet just from sweating.

I'm gonna need the next 6 weeks to recover from that traumatic experience. If you need me I will be back on my couch with my non judgmental friends on Gilmore Girls, eating brownies!

Showers, the cable guy and 3am thoughts

Hello world! Its been over one year since my last confession. In that time I have grown another tiny human and have managed to keep her alive for 11 weeks! Much has changed! The regularity of showers for one and all the creative outfits that I can make with sweatpants!

Seriously though, how did I forget how rare and precious showering is when you have a newborn?? My 4 year old finally told me the other day, "Mommy you smell funky, go take a shower!" Of course I can always count on him to be honest! He told a stranger in the store the other day, "My mommy doesn't have a baby in her tummy anymore, now shes just fat." Dude! Thank you for keeping my ego in check!

Several weeks ago all the stars lined up just perfectly in a rare and priceless moment, and I was actually able to climb into the shower while the baby napped. I was thinking how amazing it felt to be clean again, and then that damned door bell rang. The dog barked, the baby started screaming and I knew only one leg was getting shaved today. 

The kids yelled at me that some guy was at the door so I yelled back, "tell him to go away!" I heard my 9 year old say, "My mom can't come to the door, she just got out of the shower and she's naked." People, at least if I am doing nothing else right, I am raising some incredibly honest humans!

My boys inform me that the guy at the door is waiting for me, and I need to hurry up. I wrap my hair in a towel, pick up the screaming baby who has pooped clear up into her hair, and answer the door with mascara still dripping from my eyes. I'm pretty sure my shirt was on backwards!

This poor little unsuspecting cable dude is standing on my doorstep. We stare at each other for a minute. The kid has fear in his eyes! The dog is still yapping and the baby is still screaming. I tell him to come back later. Amazingly enough he does. My dear husband, not knowing the spectacle his wife created of herself earlier in the day, invites the guy in to sit at our kitchen table for 45 minutes and switch our cable. I walked through the kitchen at one point. The cable kid and I were careful not to make eye contact.

I started shopping at 3am. I'm up, why not get something done! Plus  taking 5 kids into a store requires the National Guard! One sweet little old lady came up to me the other day when I was out with all of them. "Honey, are these all YOURS?" I stared at her a minute. I desperately wanted to respond with, "That one is, that one is, I stole that one, and I have no idea where that one came from." but I coughed and just nodded. 

Life is still crazy in the Wilson house. We are still creating memorable and shocking moments. And we are still incredible blessed!