Discovering God's Heart in Pedernales

I sat on an airplane a few days ago overwhelmed with all that I had just experienced in a weeks time. I thought about going home and wondered how I would be able to tell  people about all that I had seen and felt and discovered. I wondered if I should write a blog with a few funny stories, and few of the heart warming stories, or if I should just put up pictures with a short description, or if I should even write this blog.

To give you a good and accurate picture of what I experienced this last week I would need to be totally open and transparent; I would need to be honest about some pretty personal struggles. Not to mention it would be a pretty long blog. But as I have found myself standing in a grocery store overwhelmed with the abundance of food and provisions contained within its walls, sobbing, or standing in a church service realizing how true the songs I am singing really are, I decided to at least take a stab at this blog. So here it is. Its probably long, and may even make you raise your eyebrows, but its whats in my heart right now.

This past year I have struggled a lot with rejection and feeling unloved. I have had to figure out how to handle relationships that are also unloving and condemning, and through it I have struggled with anger at God for allowing people to do the things they do. If he truly loved us, why would he let us walk around with so much pain seeping from our broken hearts? Was He really even there aside from showing up when we screwed something up? The "godly" people in my life were really good about pointing out the wrong, but never God's love, and weren't they supposed to be the example of who Jesus is?

I came to a point where I felt like I had given up on God. I couldn't ever seem to do it right or do enough and I was exhausted and worn out. Oh I never said any of this. I went to church and sang the songs, and prayed the prayers before meals and "liked" all of the Christian Facebook pages; but I had given up on the perfect love and the illusive hope that went along with it. 

Two weeks before we left for our trip to the Dominican Republic, Kevin and I attended a unique workshop of sorts for a week. It opened up our lives like a book and revealed our hurt places and our defensive places and our angry places. It also painted a clearer picture of who God really was and showed us lies that we had believed about Him and ourselves. We both walked away with a tiny seed of hope in our hearts that maybe the perfect and unconditional love was real; for us; even in our imperfect state and through all of our mistakes; even if the "godly" people told us we didn't deserve it yet.

Amazingly enough feeling loved makes you live an entirely different way! I wish some of the "godly" people would realize how much more motivating love is than condemnation!

Then it was time to leave on our trip. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to leave my kids and I didn't want to go with a bunch of people I didn't know to a place I wasn't familiar with to do things I was uncomfortable with.

I sobbed my way through airport security, and got on the plane feeling desperate to get off! All at once I was overwhelmed with incredible peace. I knew I was supposed to be on this trip, I knew my kids would be fine, and I knew God was waiting for me at some point in this unfamiliar week. Those first few days held many moments of feeling out of place, and even more moments of undeniable strength and peace from God. 

On Monday we were headed to our second Child Development Center and our second home visit, where we got to go to a child's home and meet their family and hear a little bit about their lives. I had been to the Dominican Republic before, and I had experienced these home visits before, but the minute we walked up to this particular home, I knew something was different. My heart literally felt on the verge of breaking in half as I noticed two little feet sticking out from under a scrap of cloth. The baby was laying on a mattress caked with mud and God knows what else. The little toes immediately pulled at the mommy inside me. The baby was three months old!

The mother was the only adult present. She sat in a chair and never once interacted with any of the 5 children present. She quietly told the Compassion worker that was with us that she had a mental illness, and that one of her children had died; She had 7 more living. 

The baby woke up and began looking around. The 8 year old boy jumped up on the bed to get her when he realized her eyes were open. She gave him the most precious grin I have ever seen and watched him the rest of the time we could see her.  It was obvious that this was her main caregiver.

This home was in such disrepair that we couldn't even go in. The father came home and we stood around the front of the house under a big tree, as he explained that the few possessions they had had were sold to try and get money to help his wife. There was a little girl about 2 or 3 years old. She had only a dirty pair of shorts on. She climbed up on a plastic chair and laid down on it letting her head dangle over the edge. I couldn't resist reaching down and tickling her little brown tummy. She giggled. I melted.

We all moved closer to this family so we could pray over them. I scooped the little girl up. I don't know why I did; I had been cautious about doing this since some kids didn't seem to be comfortable with  a lot of physical contact, and I the language barrier prevented me from asking her if I could hold her, but the need to hold her in my arms was too overpowering. 

She seemed surprised when I held her close, but then she wrapped her little arms around me and laid her head on my shoulder. I couldn't concentrate on what people were praying, all I could do was bury my face in this little girls filthy hair and beg God to figure out a way to take her home with me; away from the filth; away from a mother who wasn't able to give her this affection; away from a hungry little tummy; away from a world where losing a sibling was painfully common. 

The prayer ended and we were told it was time to go. The father called her Janel and said something to her in Spanish. Our translator looked choked up and just nodded when I asked him if she had just said she was coming with me. Two more times the father asked her if she was going with me and two more times she nodded her head.

Everyone was moving toward the bus and I knew it was time for me to put her down. When I sat her back on her chair, her little hands held onto my shoulder blades and her eyes stared into mine. She watched me all the way back to the bus and the minute I was safely in my seat, I lost it.

I sobbed and sobbed as we pulled away from this family who had stolen my heart in less than 20 minutes time.Our translator was also very emotional.

I cried until I thought I couldn't cry any more, and then I sobbed some more. I yelled silently at God, angry that he would allow this to happen to tiny innocent babies. Back at the project, it was time for us to go play with the children involved in the program but I stood off to the side and cried, unable to get a hold of my emotions. I am sure anyone who saw me thought I was a very crazy white lady!

As the day went on and I was finally able to interact with the kids, I kept asking why God didn't do something. Towards the end of the day, I felt very clearly that he was saying that he was; He had sent me there and now what was I going to do?

I cornered a staff member and began asking what we could do.  I got information to be able to send a monetary family gift after we got home. I pushed and asked and made myself a nuisance until I was told that there might be a possibility of getting the little girl registered in the program and assigned to me to sponsor her.

That evening as we sat in a circle recounting our day with each other, I found myself again overcome with emotion. In that moment as I realized I had been struggling with the reality of God's love all day, I felt God once again impress something on my heart. Yes God had given that little girl the gift of my arms that day, but even more he had given me the gift of her arms! 

We experienced even more in the coming days, but Janel was never far from my thoughts or my prayers. I felt overwhelmed by an amazingly powerful love when I thought of her, and I realized on the way home, this was God's love; it was real! She wasn't rejected or forgotten, I wasn't rejected or forgotten, God had an immense love for both of us. He saw both of our broken little hearts and he had a powerful plan for both of us that included endless and massive amounts of hope! Even more he had this same love and purpose for the people that had hurt us! It was there everywhere for everyone, it was awesome!

I am still dumfounded how I came out of that experience so aware of God's love! Normally it would have just been more proof that God doesn't care like I think he should, but that wasn't the case.

I have cried for Janel every day I have been home. I have prayed for her and smiled when I look at her picture and emailed the country staff several times asking if she has been registered yet. I am pretty sure they are getting ready to figure out how to block my email address. ;-)

I am so thankful for this sweet little life that intersected with mine. I got a chance to see sponsors meet their sponsored children, and I can't wait to go back and get to spend more time with her.

There were hundreds and hundreds of sponsored children that we got to see affected by the amazing work Compassion is doing. The kids in the centers had hope in their eyes! 

Check out their website, Maybe you'll find your own little "Janel" that will touch you and remind you of God's awesome love!

Compassion

Thank you God for not only looking out for Janel and for giving us a chance to help in their time of need, but also for using her to open my heart to your incredible all consuming love!!

My crazy weird wonderful family

Well we took family pictures again. While we were in NC my parents set up a time for us to take our whole families pictures. It was crazy. I broke out the night before in teenager type acne. Liam started an ear infection which left him snotty and screaming, and the Broncos were playing during the scheduled picture time, much to the horror of the guys in the family... which is everyone but three!!

I LOVE THEM! I am so glad we did it!! they are priceless!

Grandpa and Grandma and their boys!!

 So this next picture is one of my absolute favorites! I thought about writing a blog about the guys in this family and then thought better ;-) This is a perfect depiction of the males in this family, and they are all awesome (AND CRAZY!)

And then the very few that make up the female population....

My Liam turned 1 on this trip!!! As I mentioned he was not thrilled with the idea of pictures, but we got some super cute ones that show off his little one year old attitude!!

 We took some pictures of the couples and they are so fun!!

My mom and dad who have been married 30 years!!!

 My sister and her husband Brian

My totally hot, insanely good looking husband and I. My best friend and the most amazing gift God could have ever given me!!!

Love knowing that I get to spend the rest of my life being his bride!!!!

And then there are the fantastic four!!

My boys and my whole world!

 Finally this little squirt is going to be 7 in less than two weeks!!

Yesterday

A year ago today I was recovering from a C-section. I was keeping the breast pump accessories company in business, and I was up every three hours. A year ago today I was chasing an 18 month old around trying to take the pacifier away from him that he had taken from his tiny baby brother; and I'm still doing that today. A year ago today I was buying a size 1 diaper and carrying a bulky diaper bag. I was timing every single outing around feeding times and bathing tiny little toes and fingers. A year ago today I was praying for "normal" and a few hours of sleep, and a shower. A year ago today I was snuggling my innocent sleeping boy wondering how in the world I would ever raise my voice or use his middle name. For the record, I now use his middle name on average at least 10 times a day, and he finds it wildly hilarious because I'm usually chasing him when I do.

A year ago today a tiny little whimper brought me running; today if he hasn't turned red in the face from screaming, I still have a minute. A year ago today I let my husband have it for suggesting a date night without him; I just finished arranging babysitting for while I am gone a week in the DR with Kevin. For the record I cry every time I think of leaving him!

How can so much change in just 12 short little months???

How can it be possible that my teeny tiny little baby is saying Dada, and feeding the dog his chicken nuggets, and emptying the DVD cases? How is it that he knows how to throw temper tantrums if you say no and is naturally attracted to rolls of toilet paper? How is it possible that he is standing and trying to walk and can eat an entire slice of pizza by himself? How is it possible that he made his big brother cry yesterday from biting him?

And so I resolve this year to enjoy every single second. Even the teething, and potty training and late night homework sessions. I don't want to miss one single moment!!

Insanely Priceless Memories

I have been trying to figure out how to write this blog for a while. It should be 4 or 5 posts I think, and please don't have us comitted after reading it! We recently decided to test our sanity by doing every insane thing we could think of; aside from getting married when we were 12 and having an insane amount of little boys who keep us well known in emergency rooms.

We decided to set out on an "adventure" over Christmas. We started our journey on the day before the world was supossed to end...again.

Micah and Kyler were in the back seat fighting over a dvd, Caleb, Liam and I were in the middle seat where Liam had promptly filled his diaper before we were out of the driveway. In the front was my husband and little brother who were already half asleep from spending the previous week ripping up my kitchen floor and putting in a new one. Every other space was filled with Christmas presents, diapers, dirty underware stuffed suitcases, stuffed animals, winter coats, flooring tools, extra bottles of shampoo, jug's of milk, secret pacifiers...well you get the picture.

The time estimated for the end of the world was drawing closer as we drove through Colorado and Kansas in the dark. Suddenly we noticed red flashing lights all around us. Ryan started screaming that they were coming for us and cowered in the front seat more upset that he wouldn't get to see the Broncos win the Super Bowl than missing his 20th birthday in just a few hours. A few hours later, out in the middle of Kansas, we were surrounded yet again. By this time I was driving and praying that they really were coming for us so I wouldn't have to drive anymore!

Kevin looked it up on his phone (he was concerned about that Super Bowl as well) The answer we decided to accept was that they were beacons for the mother ship. (They were windmills, which I had, for the record, said all along)

December 21st came and I was still driving, Ryan turned 20, and there were 6 more spills between all 4 of the kids. 24 hours later we got to mom and dad's in Greensboro North Carolina, FINALLY.

 My sister and her husband arrived and we spent a day posing for some fantastic family photos, where Liam cried the whole time, Kendall, Ryan, Kevin, and Brian begged to leave to catch the Bronco's game and Kyler got impressive grass stains all over his good jeans. 

Christmas came even though my boys thought it NEVER would! My sister decided to help my brother with his Christmas shopping and so she ordered all his gifts, including hers and had them sent to him.

 

She took the gift with an innocent I-have-no-clue-what-this-could-be expression.

 

As she opened it she gave us an award winning puzzled frown. Hmmm what in the world is in the box??

NO WAY!!! This has to be the best present EVER!!

Proudly showing off her new boots!!

After Christmas we all took turns with the flu. Anyone who had walked into that house wouldn't have wanted to do so without a gas mask and maybe some ear plugs from all the awful coughing!

Next we loaded our van with all of the opened Christmas presents, a pack n play, a new scooter, nerf guns, more dirty laundry, a dog kennel and lots of diet Mountain Dew, and drove to Virginia to stay with Yolanda and Brian.

Keep in mind that Yolanda and Brian don't ave kids yet. Within our first few hours of arriving Caleb spilled an entire mug of coffee all over the floor. Thankfully aunt Landa has a nifty little mop close by. We celebrated our second birthday of the trip, Liam's first birthday. He LOVED his birthday; of course he could have just been high on all of that sugar we let him have.....

The next day several people smiled through gritted teeth as we loaded our crazy little butts back in the car to go see an ocean in 40 degree weather, because mommy wanted to walk on the sand.We were there 20 minutes before Kyler wailed loud enough to rouse the coast guard that it was cold and his nose hurt and why would we go to the beach if we couldn't swim???????

We went back to Aunt Landa's house where we spilled an entire glass of chocolate milk on the floor. Out came the nifty little mop. We pinched each other and threatened each other and when all else failed, some of us were tied down to make sure everyone stayed up to see the new year.

The next morning we loaded up a toy car, a scooter, more dirty laundry, more diapers, some blackberry jelly, and a lot of sandy coats, and because we couldn't leave without seeing that nifty mop just once more we spilled another cup of chocolate milk on the floor before waving goodby and heading East, no wait West, no wait.....

Our next destination was Minnesota. We made a slight detour to see our nations capital. Kevin is a history lover and so as we were driving in he was getting excited. "Look there is the Pentagon. Oh there's the Washington Memorial! That's the Capital Building!!" I got excited too. "Oh oh look there's Macy's!!"

We set off after a few hours of exploring. 2am found it being my turn to drive. FYI, diet caffeine free Mountain Dew doesn't help much to keep one awake, however my van passengers know that just because you have ear phones in doesn't mean no one else can hear you singing the song at the top of your lungs! We arrived in Minnesota where it was a balmy 7 degrees. We celebrated our third birthday of the trip with Luke Johnson. Him and Kevin grew up together. When I met Kevin, I honestly thought they were conjoined twins. It was a special treat to celebrate his 30th birthday with him!!

Because we were in Minnesota we had to see the largest mall in America!! I almost fainted! You could have shopped for a week and never shopped at the same store twice! Now I know why Luke and Elise packed their stuff up and moved clear across the country to Iceland!!

The Lego store was Micah and Kyler's dream come true!

We again packed up our car with snow covered shoes, bottles of Children's Motrin, cheese curds, dirty laundry that could have walked home by itself and more diapers and headed.....um another direction.

We got to Grandpa Troyer's with exactly 1.5 pairs of clean underwear each. 

We ate an awesome Grandma Troyer supper, played some Skipbo, convinced my uncle to try eating a spoonful of cinnamon, and picked up our new puppy.

17 days after setting out we pulled into our own driveway. We had seen 4500 miles and 15 different states!

Perspective

When I was little there was a story that my mom would read to me about a little boy who was having a very bad day and kept saying he was going back to bed. Thats me today, and for the sake of, well, the world, I  think I should go back to bed.

I got up this morning, worried about sending my first grader out into a world that is scary and dangerous and evil. I was more than just a little irritated at him for having the audacity to cough but not have a fever, therefore making my excuses for a sick day null and void.

My husband didn't kiss me full on the lips as he walked out the door and one of my kids spilled their milk all over the living room floor where the kitchen table, and the fridge for that matter, are currently parked. I got the crock pot out, sick of eating McDonalds double cheese burgers and it was covered in dust from our kitchen remodel project. Speaking of that, I am wondering why we sat down and looked at our calendar and said, hmmm the week we leave for North Carolina for Christmas promises to be hectic, lets do it then!

The ham didn't fit in the crock pot and so the potatoes sticking out turned colors and the lid won't fit on it. My brother mentioned that he doesn't think we'll have enough tile to finish the floor this week, and there will be no way that my washer will be hooked up in time to do laundry before we leave.

I got cut off on the way to school to drop Kyler off and I had a weird conversation with my husband that left we wondering if we were fighting. Back at home the baby screamed for an hour before taking a nap, and the two year old pooped his last clean pair of underwear.

I got an email saying that my five year old needs a gift for a gift exchange in his clasroom tomorrow.

And then I remembered that I have alive and healthy kids that drive me crazy, I have a kitchen that I am fortunate enough to be remodeling. True I don't know if I can stand that Veggie Tales movie AGAIN, but thank God there is someone there who wants to watch it 50 times in a row!

My brother told me to see all of these little things as opportunites to learn how to be more flexible. He is currently trying to fix the world deepest wedgie for that comment!!

And so I am thankful that I have to wipe dust off of the peanut butter everytime we eat. I am thankful we have peanut butter so we can eat even without cooking appliances. I am thankful for friends who graciously invite me to use their washer and dryer. I am thankful for my smart mouthed little brother who is working until his back breaks to get my floor in. I am thankful that my husband and I haven't killed each other and like each other just enough to probably keep us from actually killing each other any time soon. I am thankful for the four sticky little mouths, and the fighting and the 25 excuses for getting out of bed at night and the wet underwear and the clingy baby that wants me to hold him and the dead flies I find in my son's pocket. Ok maybe not the flies.....

 

 

 

 

UH OH!

Ask any mom what her least favorite part of motherhood is. Hmmmm Teething? Heck yeah that bites! (pun totally intended) Getting a call from the teacher telling you that your child has a rock stuck in their ear? Yep not the best mommy moment! Realizing that you are standing in a group of executives at your husbands Christmas party and have spit up in your hair? Ew! For me its potty training! I hate it!!

Its that year or 3 that everything smells like pee and your couch has been cleaned so many times its a completely new color and you now have to buy new curtains to match the new color.

Caleb decided he was done with diapers one day. I put him in big boy pants and for three days straight not one accident. People I am thinking that maybe I am finally figuring out how to be a good mother to this child and I am overlooking the fact that he is sticking lego light sabers up his nose or spitting the almonds back into the chex mix bowl, because he is diaper free!!

Well all good things must come to an end and we wouldn't want me thinking I have this mommy thing figured out!! So we throw in a few accidents, never at home mind you, or when I have remembered to bring extra clothes along.

If you are a mom you have probably experienced the following. You are out somewhere. You are talking to someone who is telling you how cute your four little boys are and you are glowing with maternal pride, when you look over and you see THAT face. OH NO! You grab the kid holding him slightly away from you as you search frantically for a bathroom. Line out the womens restroom, can't sneak in the mens. He's biting his lip and crossing his legs and you are desperate. Finally an older experienced woman recognizes the crossed legs wide eyed situation and motiones you ahead. You make it to the stall door. YES! you got this! Aaaaaand then there is a puddle around your feet and the child with the worlds largest bladder is soaked through and through!

Well what would you do say, if you were all dressed up for the older kids piano recital and had no extra clothes and reeked of urine? What any mother would do! Try to soak the pee up with paper towel, rub a little soap onto the jeans and make the kid sit on the floor on his coat, while the the other older one whispers loud enough for the entire room to hear that "HE STINKS!"

Yesterday I was stting in the doctors office and potty training child starts whining that he has to go potty. We are about to be called back. What do I do? I bribe him. Hold it and I'll buy you a pony! Pretty soon he looks up at me and loudly exclaims, "oh no I don't have to go potty, I just had to fart!"

Oh Lord!!

And later he asked the doctor if he wanted to see Bullseye and I realized where he was wearing Bullseye just in time!! Our doctor informed us he was moving out of state. Coincidence??

 



My Little Angel

10 and a half months ago I once again welcomed a male child into my world. He was huge and stubbornly refused to nurse, and I knew he was exactly the little kid that could survive three older brothers who were rather lacking in the "children should be seen but not heard" department.

As Liam is Caleb's brother, we are all holding our breath waiting to see just how much of the "Caleb" gene he possesses.

Because of the problems Liam had with his ears and needing ear tubes, he is kind of behind on talking. The day that he started saying "dada" I rolled my eyes. Of course he would say daddy first, as if daddy was the one who got up in the middle of the night and came back to bed with spit up running down his legs, or cleaned up the diaper that managed to located its contents clear up to Liam's ears, or sat with carrots splattered all over his face when Liam decided to show his impressive raspberry talent at lunch time.

But mama had to be next, right?

Nope!

It was Micah! Come one! Mama is a lot easier than Micah! Next it was Kyler, then baba, and possibly hi. By this time I was thinking the kid would say supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, before he said mommy. But finally last week Mr. Liam was crying for his bottle. I was doing dishes and trying to tune him out long enough to get the day old spaghetti off of the bowl. In desperation, on a sob, he broke down and wailed, "MAMA!" 

I dropped the pan, spaghetti and all and started hollering. Liam stopped crying mid-wail, and with terror in his huge eyes, stared at his crazy mama. I gave him his bottle, heck I gave him two! After he was done, I encouraged him to say it again. He did and again I jumped around the room cheering! Liam dissolved into tears of fear. I forgot about his reaction and did this 3 or 6 or possibly 10 more times. Needless to say Liam doesn't say mama very much anymore.

On a side note, we think he says Caleb too, only it sounds like a high pitched please-someone-save-me scream. 

Liam means "protective". I can't help wondering if there is something very unique that Liam was created for, something special that God has him here to "protect". Of course Kevin reminds me that very few mothers think, yeah that's a kid who will probably be a high school drop out, with no future and very little potential. But I still think my kid is something special!

I thank God for Liam. I thank God that Liam is Liam and not "Leah" like I thought he should have been =). I thank God for my special little boy that completed the "Wilson brotherhood". He is an incredible joy to our family!!

I pray that Liam will stand firm in his faith and have clear direction in life. I pray that he will have a purpose worth dying for and live every day to the absolute fullest. I pray that he will be kind and gentle and humble. I pray that he will always love his brothers like he does now and that all 4 boys will be best friends until the day they die. I pray that Liam will be an incredible protector of justice, and will change the world!